what the hell..?

i say his name and speak like MAYBE just MAYBE i might have a slight interest in him. then..oh wait! there she goes talking to him JUST BECAUSE I FUCKING MENTION HIM. wow. thats an absolutely fantastic system. youre oh so cool. feck me sideways backwards and upside down. this sucks.

two things..

thing number one:
if this blows my chances at the A boat i swear to god i will shoot someones head 10 feet off their body. ive worked my ass off to get here and no one will take it away from me. enough said.

thing number two:
no i dont think he likes you like that. not anymore at least. he treats me the same, or at one point he did, or still does, no difference. i think it was a stage he is now over. i think it was a phase he went through to block out the present, or past that is. just friends now is all everyone wants. he likes us all as friends, well i think he likes one of us a little more than friends, but thats the gay part of him.

number three..(oops i went over):
that was a fucking low blow. read this shit, i said i was over that. it was nothing. the past is exactly that- past.

FECK.

today is one of those days where knowing sign language would have come in pretty goddamn handy. okay so you know when something so crazy and disrupting happens and its just like 'uhh what the fuck just happened?' yeah. but i guess this was one of those things that just happen for a reason, ya know. it was like BAM. there he was. then the 10 minute ride home FECK FECK FECK. and i know i can tell myself i dont still care about him, its not true. i do. and i probably always will. goddamn buffalo, i wish it wasnt a place. but, as much as i do still care a little bit, today i picture myself in the shotgun seat instead of her, and i see him driving next to me. I see myself and i see that i am okay, but not ecstatically happy, the way a relationship should make you feel. he was fun. and he too seems happy with her, which means me+him=not so happy. and he seems alot happier than he was when i was around. the wave/smile..haha. maybe it was because i was alone, or maybe he is truly making improvements, which we be awesome. and at the end of whatever it was we had i guess, he treated me a little like shit. so. im okay. im good. i can move on. i deserve better [hopefully]. but either way the new girl is fecking frumpy, haha not gonna lie. im not saying im pretty im just saying, dear god i hope im not like that... but yeah. at peace. so the half hour of freaking out was worth it. and not to say i wont jump a little when i see him, or his name, or his motorcycle, but, now, i can honestly say that i dont think we belong together, it would not be a good idea or in the best interest of either of us. so i promise myself i will no longer talk about him and what once was or what happened today, because if i am truly over it, then it really isnt worth mentioning or talking about or freaking out about, right? and i no longer have a problem with buffalo. and zoe we need to learn sign language.

...sign language.

One of the most annoying things ever? Like, someone being totally cool when youre together, then being a total bitch when you see them at random times. And another thing, people who think theyre THE SHIT when in reality theyre just shitty. haha its entertaining tho.
still getting used to this whole thing but whatever. adding sign language to things i want to do before i die. awesome, maybe zoe and i can take a class over the summer. then we can have secret conversations at crew about other people. thatd be kinda kickass. except jamie would know what we were saying..oh well. shes cool i guess. so yeah. sign language. along with about a million other things.

New Blog Much?

yeah...