shaking again? i thought we stopped this.

why do i even care?
please. enlighten me.
i barely know you.

youre too big of a flirt.
youre not worth it.

maybe its just not worth it. maybe your just not worth it.
because i want you.
but i need a constant.
and i kind of want my constant to be you.
but im not sure thats possible.

an addict I'm not...
thinking I could help
one day my love will be enough,
but it won't I can tell

do you treat them all like this?

see i get in this certain mindset. and then i fuck things up. and then when things dont go the way id hoped i think its all my fault. and its a horrible horrible feeling. see, if i just dont try, things will come. haha youre such a flirt.
"just
stop
caring
and
things
will
happen."
easier said than done.

i dont know what you think of me. you probably think im a whore. maybe i shouldnt have told you. oops.. ugh.

this week has had zero drama...i wonder why.

lady gaga.

photographs and brightly colored paper
are your mask you wear in this caper
that is our life
we walk right into the strife
and a tear from your eye brings me home.

all it takes is a walk in the rain and the leaves and im back to you.

you're my new obsession.

haha i miss when we used to talk! at least you still remember me haha. you made my day today :] even if it took you three weeks to notice. i never see you anymore. sad.

out with the old in with the new
its not up to me
and im not gonna stop it
because in all honesty
i dont mind the way things are going.

digging a whole and the walls are caving in behind me.

if we could go back would we, would we cry ourselves to sleep at night.

people walk in and out of my life daily. who am i to stop them. the reality of it is i dont care anymore. i cant. if i did i would be hysterical. im pretty sure ive just gone numb of it all.
and dear crazy bitch.
congrats because right now at this time in life you probably are happier than i am. your perfect life in your little bubble with perfect mom and dad and dog. at least i dont have to make drama or problems.. my life is interesting enough. do you want an award for being average?

time to grow up.

dear god grow the fuck up. seriously. im two years younger than you yet im told im still more mature. somethings wrong with that. youre really unbelievable.
and yeah. we have fun hanging out. may be hard to imagine but we used to do the same thing- hang out inside and just sit around taking pictures, eating junk food. look at your blog like 3 or 4 months ago. so dont bitch about us. after all we do all go to the same school and live in the same area. deal with it.
and from what i see and what hes told me he is happy. like truly happy. dont fuck it up just because hes not happy with you. you said it- youre too fucking late.

tv show.

it's like im living in a tv show, where has my old family gone?

i know im going to hell, might as well enjoy the ride.

im still trapped in these mindless thoughts of you and i dont know how to get out.

youre obviously not dead because its not your time.

get your own friends and stop complaining about your life to mine. you just irritate me.

i just need this all to end.

confused
stressed
overwhelmed
tired
what else is new?

these fall feelings are coming back. and i like them. and i like you. but its ridiculous because i cant like you.
but it feels like the walls are closing in, were always running out of time. im always running out of time.

lay off.

am i still in love with you?

and UGH. if you have a problem with alexis go to alexis. dont go bitch about alexis to every other person besides her. have a problem with her, tell her why. and maybe. just maybe shell explain. i dont think this is too hard to understand. or go ahead. live in your bubble. see if she gives a fuck. but you dont know her as well as you think you do. so until you do, dont fucking judge me.

explain to me these dreams, what could they mean?

i want to stop thinking about you. really i do.

and both of you are really bothering me. just give it up leave him alone. ugh.

map.

i wish you were here, id like to think you'd understand.

i really like knowing youre always there.

people need to stop being cunts and get their own lives.

explain to me.

i guess i get it. kind of. not really. actually no. i dont get this at all.
she betrayed like all of us as friends. seriously. she DID SOMETHING UNMENTIONABLE in front of you.
and now youre all like besties with her again?
and she tried on numerious occasions to steal your boyfriend. then. she got pissed at ME for YOU flipping out on her because she was hanging out with ian and i told you?
make this make sense please.

someone needs to find a conscience...OH WAIT. it's you.

find your own time to hang out with her.
dont just come so you can be with her.
we get it youre still like crazy in love with her.
do you want an award?

hahaha whore.

make it stop.

i hate you.
and i dont have feelings for you.
but you being with her still bothers me.

and its weird because my dreams depict reality, just in a different form.

map.

and its times like these that i miss you. i miss us. i miss how we used to be. but youve changed so much since last year. and i miss the old you. i want the old you to hold me when its cold out. when im on the couch. i want you back. i like the old you. but the person youve become makes me want to get as far away from you as humanly possible. kindof.

this is why.

what is this fucking world. mark i hate you. just putting it out there. but what follows has nothing to do with you.
but ugh. after i was questioned i got thinking and im pretty sure that the reason i dont want serious stuff is because im scared. i dont want a commitment because i cant promise i wont wake up tomorrow feeling differently about a person. yet, if i want a commitment i want someone to be able to do that for me. i want what i cant have and once i get it i dont want it. i think part of this lies within my not wanting to set myself up for disappointment. its like i dont want to put all this time and effort into something that someday will fail and come crashing down. i like best friends instead of boyfriends because with best friends you can have a huge fight and eventually make up and theyre always there. with boyfriends its like you break up after a huge fight and everythings over. theyre gone. and i hate goodbyes. and after having poured so much time and put so much trust in that one person, theyre gone. and youre left with empty space.