epiphany toilet on the roof of the hospital.

and then the lightbulb went off.
i am not being conceited.
i am pretty.
i am smart.
i have friends.
i will be successful.
i will not be a drop out.
i will go to an extremely good college.
i am not one of them.
and never will be.

i dont need them. all i want is the ritalin to lose weight. thats it. im not trying more drugs with you guys. im not going on a trip for 4 days straight and not sleeping. im not going to be a failure. my life wont suck. i am not going to be a trashy drug addict.
yes i will still experiment.
but most likely under the supervision of my two brothers. and no, theyre not black.
theres this guy who thinks im one of the hottest things ever. probably cuz of my boobs. hes obsessed. he also is going to college next year. he will be successful. i can hang out with him and not be totally trashed. hes not edge. hes not an addict either. hes in the middle. hes normal. and yeah that might seem boring. but i could list about 20 girls that would be jealous of me. lexie and meaghan-they stalked him and acted like complete bimboey freaks around him. i was just myself. and it was okay.
and then theres this other kid. a high school dropout who im married to. who has no future. i cant be with someone who has no future. you said it yourself, youre to lazy to do anything but drugs. you want to stop, but its hard, well IT is not hard actually because youre on a fucking 4 day trip. i am not gonna be the trashy ass skank who gets fucked up then fucks. well. yeah. idk. idts at least.
i miss fridays when they were our days. i miss going around in the summer smoking weed in a phoneline feild. yeah i liked hanging out with the stoners for a bit, but im stopping. this is it. yeah ill go to them maybe once in a while or hang once in awhile. but it is not a regular thing. i have too bright of a future to fuck it up like all you guys are. sorry, but its the truth.
i dont know what brought these thoughts on. but i look back over the last three weeks or so and yeah i mean it was fun but at the same time its absolutely disgusting. i think a part of me will miss it, but i will be glad to be back with my friends again. my friends. the ones i know will be there when i need them and take two steps closer when i ask them to back off. the ones i can count on. the ones who wont be fiending. the ones i dont have to hide my lighters and money from. the ones i love. the ones i want to tell i am sorry ive been blind these last few weeks. im back. its me. and im not going down that path..
oh. and ill still smoke ciggs.

okay. officially never ever dating someone in the drug world.
its just bad.
they dont care about you they care about drugs.
and you say youre not normally like this, but i think thats a lie.
i dont think id even date you nick.
because i can see you in my mind turning around and doing the same thing.
as sweet as you are.
but im glad i found out before it was too late.
i like drugs.
but i dont like these people that much anymore.
the rush is over i think.

and yes. opening presents of socks with the tiny girl with the triumphant ass.

quarters.

i swear to god, my life is a living sitcom. or drama.
depends how you look at it.
drugs do silly things to people.
bitches be crazy
dicks be punchin walls
or punching people...
not me. this is only to go down a size or two.

haha rate the dick.
so does this mean we can hang out again..?
please answer. even if its no. i miss you.
and i dont expect to become friends with alena again or anything
i mean thatd be a bonus but isnt necessary.
my life has changed
and it looks like yours finally has too.
and i think weve both grown up some.
but no chance in hell are we close to being adults.

oh this is bad.
this is very bad.
i shouldnt be buying this shit.
but wait, alena did too i guess.
but she just bought weed.
and it was from colin.
and i trust colin.
we all trust colin.
but ugh. i have a bad feeling about this.
and my tummy hurts.

im glad we talked. that was good.
even if i was counting my drug money while doing so.
haha i missed you alot zoe.

stoner.

dxm+sex=bad idea.

every year, things change.
and i miss the way things used to be
and i miss who i used to be
but im not gonna do anything about it
because im happy the way things are now.
i think.

stop being so attractive for a whole two seconds please..thanks.
youre partially causing my self destruction.
and you admitted you pretty much started it too.

what is this crazy talk?

feels so good.
feels so bad.
where the fuck am i going with this shit.
this shits legit.
dont wanna fall.
how do i get out.
but wait, who said i wanted out?
but im not sure i want in either.

i am about to pass out from pain of ear stretching.
blood.
excruciating.
how am i doing this to myself.

i know. you know. thats all who needs to know. i like you.

i've got some issues that nobody can see
and all these emotions are pouring out of me.

just when i thought fridays could not get any better.
i was so wrong.
this is the life.
dont get angry with me.

i can officially say i love my life.
best.day.ever.
beats everything else times a million.
and lets me forget everything.
and makes it all go away.

tomorrow itll be eight weeks since ive talked to you.

i think i might have loved you.
i want a dean.
i want a jess.
i lied. i dont want this new kid. i dont want this poor kid im supposed to be with.
i cant stop changing my mind.
i only want you, the one person i was always comfortable around.
but in all honesty i probably dont love you anymore.
i wish i did.
i wish everything didnt happen so fast.
i wish i had the chance to cry over you.
i wish we still talked.
i wish youd come visit.
i wish youd text me.
i wish you cared.
i wish i didnt care.
i wish i never loved you.

deep breath in, deep breath out.

youre a selfish, inconsiderate, good for nothing bastard who doesnt give a shit about me. i hate you. i want to stop thinking about you. i should have nothing to do with you. stop invading my dreams. stop invading my thoughts. a part of me wants to never see you again. and the other part wishes you were here.
i miss you.

navigate me somewhere else.

what the hell. you were in my dream.
you were married. and had kids. 2 i think.
why is this happening.
i just want you to leave.
please.

navigate me through the world and pixie sticks.

i officially dont care about you anymore..either of you.
clean slate
fresh start
fuck it.

im lost. and i dont know where to go and i dont know who to turn to. and honestly, its the worst feeling in the world. and it just wont go away.

finally.

sometimes its a good thing to let professionals do what they do best.

and as for you, sir, fuck it. youre not worth my time or energy, and most definitely not worth the anxiety. buhh bye.

i dont know where i stand with you and i hate it hate it hate it HATE IT. but ugh. oh well.
i am suffocated and lost when i have not the bright feeling of progression.
and i dont feel like im progressing with you.
its like onestepforward, twostepsback.
and it feels not so nice.

oh, boy.

you confuse the shit out of me.. and the best part is im learning not to care. i wont wait for you. i wont obsess over you. if you want me you can have me, and ill lead you on but im not going to beg.

god seriously. youre the most insecure selfish bitch ive ever met.