oh and good luck red. youre gonna need it because im going to tear you to fucking shreads.

and i really wish you were still here. i need you now. you would understand this shit. and if you were here i would be there tonight. and we wouldnt do anything. we would just talk. and you would tell me everythings going to be okay. i need you to tell me that. and i know if i text you you will. because youre an amazing person. but im afraid to.

uncle.

i feel bad for you. i know its hard. but i like, really looked up to you. you helped me with mark and mom and now youve gone and done it to yourself. but i guess its a disease and its not youre fault. i dont know. i guess im just a little disappointed. i dont know who to look up to i guess. i mean i have tommy and erica but theyre gonna be half way around the world soon. you were my favorite out of the aunts and uncles. and its like..oh. and i dont know how to react or act around you. and i hate that.

youre hands amaze me. ugh. this is so weird. and i want things to be the way they used to so bad. but part of me thinks they shouldnt be. its like i dont know what i want. i want you to pick one of us. not her and me. idk. i dont know what goes on behind closed doors, obviously. and i think its kinda gross for lack of a better word. youre just. special to me still i guess. i dont know. whatever. dont read too much into this. but its weird because you kind of surprise attacked me. its like i never realized how much i was hurt by you until this week. and it kinda makes me sadface.

i miss the strawberry toothpaste.

home sweet home never felt so wrong.

im trying to forget you. i really am. youre away, in college. with college girls and college problems. and we both know youre not strong enough to maintain a relationship long distance with all the pretty ladies. but its like i try to forget, and then i listen to a song and it reminds me of you and that night and the bubbles or the broom and the jokes and i laugh remembering everything until i begin to cry. and its weird because i still picture what my life would be like if you were in it. and like how scenarios would be. i miss you. and im thinking maybe if i picture the way i want things to be, they will actually be one day, just like it happened before.

children. they know how to make everything better. god i love those three boys so much. and theyre so good. i get now what they mean when they say there is nothing better than the love of a child. because seriously, i know they will love me no matter how i look or act or dress or how fucked up i am. they wont love me one day and hate me the next. they wont. theyll always want me or need me. and being with them just takes my mind off everything because im focusing on them and making them happy. ahha even if they call me jackie..close enough. please dont go to korea. im going to miss you so much. i wish you were mine.
i want to go back and be with the five of you. even if dad pisses me off and bugs the shit out of me and buys me expensive crap ill never use or wear. like a 300 dollar swimsuit. you guys make it all better. i love you so much.

hahaha.

and 3..2..1..i called it. you two broke up. woohoo. 2 weeks. coulda seen that one coming. good one. jackass.

but youre still very attractive.

babies are cute but for now i think ill borrow them.
yeah i do miss you kid. you made a dent in my life. but nothing we can do about it.
sadface :[


scrubsseasonnineisgonnasuckfuckthat.

a $300 swimsuit? ohh.
one baby bong please :]

i dislike you.

very much. so youre back with youre skankoid girlfriend huh? go fuck her up. fine by me. bitch. youre outa my life forfuckinever now. and im fuckin glad. id be angrier. but i know youre gonna fuckin break up cuz youre never gonna go home. maybe shell come visit you and stay in your dorm overnight and be all happy. whore.

father.

i sit in his office and look around. looks kinda the same. same 4th grade picture of me, no, 5th. and then one from like 2 years ago with me and him. then..theres like a gazillion pictures of tommy. and the kids. and jaxson and lincoln and aidan. and then theres tommys degrees and helicopter stuff and all that good stuff. and i hear my dad talking on the way home. and the stuff that comes out of his mouth..i just think..what a complete ass. hes a jerk. he doesnt care about anyone but fucking tommy and the fucking kids. im pretty sure he loves me because hes fucking supposed to. and i love them all. to death. the kids are like my own i love them so much and i love tommy soooo much. its just. ugh. dad. and i dont need to see you fucking parading around in your tshirt and fucking poker boxers that are way too tight. im a girl. a fucking teenage girl. a fucking teenage girl who is your daughter for gods sake. i know i dont always act like a teenager, and you mock me because i want to be independent. and you say that as long as my job doesnt bring my grades down because thats the most important thing ever. and you say youll buy me a car and shit. but i want to buy my own fucking car with my own money. i dont need daddy to buy me everything, hence, independence. i want a job. i want crew. i want to do well in school. but know, that doing all these things, i probably wont do as well in school as i would if i didnt have a job or do crew. but good grades arent the only thing that look good on a college application bud. idk. you just annoy me. and the way you talk about your wifes friends, like you know what is goddamn best for fucking everyone, well you dont. and you certainly dont know whats best for me. and no im not gonna fucking bug you about getting more piercings or the jeep while im fucking down here. trust me. you think you know me. you think you know what goes on in my life. you have no fucking clue. yes i know you love me. and yes, you show it through money, and ill admit i do love that credit card, but money isnt everything. mom is the exact opposite. i dont know how your wife now can stand you. you were SUCH a jackass on the car ride home from the restaurant. youre just so like ignorant and hold your head up high blah blah blah. save it. mom says she tells you about my school work and about my ap essays because 'youre my father, you deserve to know, if you lived with us you would know'. yeah. but guess what. you dont live with us. you dont wake up every morning and see me leave for school. you dont see my regattas. you dont see my up late at night working on projects. youre not mom. you dont stay up late and help me type essays. or proof them. you dont do anything a normal dad living at home does, so no, i dont think you always deserve to know when i mess up or how i do in school or whatever. yes. you send a $900 check every month in the mail to mom. i see it. they used to come with notes addressed to me. i guess that was when i was young. not anymore. i understand im your daughter. im not tommy. im not a boy. we dont have that 'father son connection'. but honestly i dont think you really care or wanted one with me. i was the 'second child'. you kinda had to have one with mom since ya had one with youre first wife, even the score. both marriages ended in divorce. woohoo. now, third wife. no kids with her. happily married i guess. idk how happy you guys really are since youre workaholics. i dont know if you know what happiness even means. but yeah. im pretty sure the whole kids thing is what fucked up the first two marriages. oh well. whatever. third times a charm i guess. and my stepmom is great. sometimes in a bad mood when you piss her off, but then again so am i and i just hide it. i see you play with jaxson and lincoln and stuff and how silly and fun you are with them. and i wonder if you were that way with me. i dont remember. whatever. im getting off your laptop now and goin to bed. 10:15. big whoop. but i do thank you for letting me come down here. i love seeing tommy and erica and the kids. i do.

ohh. youre new. but i like it.

ha.

i kinda just wanna kick back and blow shit up...and pretend that its your face.

but what if the dreams were reality and the reality was dreams?
youre the one that always is, but will never really be.

im shaking..again. my knees to my chest, my feet, which we predetermined were extremely filthy from my lack of flip flops, on the dashboard. i clutch my speakers and the waterbottle lays on my legs. eventually realizing how freezing cold the waterbottle is i put it on the floor hoping it will stop the shivering. but no. it doesnt. your words do. and the way we talk as if nothing is going to happen.

i cant get this image out of my mind..and the only thing i keep thinking is..did my feet leave footprints?

after the dust settles.

i dont hate you. i cant. you mean, meant, too much to me for me to hate you forever. i feel bad for you. i really do. youre a comedian. you crack jokes because you have to, but at the price of what? im not done with you. im not done feeling sad. and proved to myself last night that im not done crying. but its like it used to be, i dont think im crying so much because of what youve done, im crying for you. the sense of hopelessness and not knowing how youll be in the future scares me. knowing you wont be down the street most nights in the cage, or just in the area makes me feel less secure. youre still only a text away, but that seems so far when i get mostly two word answers, when in reality we can carry on a conversation for hours and the only thing that stops us is the whirling of the fans in the background. i miss you. i miss us. i miss that night. i want us to be friends, or not even, i want us to just talk. you to tell me everythings going to be okay. talking to you is like unscrewing my mind and pouring out everything that makes it hard to sleep at night. i want you to be happy. although im not sure that that will ever happen. i dont think you hurt me the second time on purpose. i think you were confused. and now, i think youre only 'with her' to make her happy for the last week youre here, and get some. i dont think its what you want, or else you a) wouldnt have broken up with her in the first place and b) youd be listed as in a relationship like she is. im beginning to think shes blind to your misery. and who can blame her, you hide it so well. im sure she knows, but i dont think she knows how bad or how serious it is. once it hits youre family, you begin to understand better. so it took us 8 months to be able to talk like friends again. do i have to wait that long again? because next summer is only 9 months away. but dont think im going to be like my friends and wait at your door. if it happens, it happens. i proved to myself before, that once i let go, anythings possible. i think im always going to have these feelings for you, whatever they are, forever. they may change, or be altered, or go away for a day, but they always come back to the same thing. youre like a virus. once youre in my system, youre in there forever, and ill always be immune to you. and i know i mean probably next to nothing to you. but thats okay. youre the one that got away, yet the one that always stays, and i can only hope that some day our paths will cross again. even if you do become [more of] a man whore and move to one of the carolinas with joey and be single for the rest of your life and never get married and have a different girl every night. and you say you never want to get married, but i think that you will. Because "every man you have ever dated who has said he doesnt want to get married, or has 'issues' with marriage, will...rest assured...someday be married. It just will never be with you"-he's just not that into you. and i believe that. but since we never dated does it still count? probably yes. but the thing is, when you told me youd never get married and that you were, haha sorry for crushing all my little girl dreams, i said the same thing back. that i never want to be married. and i think thats the truth. because i do get bored with people. you are the only person ive never been bored with or gotten sick of. and maybe thats because we didnt hang out enough. but even if we did, i just cant see myself getting sick of you. theres only two people that ive ever felt that way about. so yeah. there it is. again. i hope we see each other again and have a chance to catch up one day. hopefully. youre an amazing person. you truly are. your family, your friends, whoever you end up with, i just hope they know that. because if they dont, then theyre missing something.

and one last thing. as much as i dislike you and shouldnt be bothered or influenced by you, i am. very much so. in more ways than i feel like taking the time to list. but one thing i will say. youve left me feeling worthless.

finished.

wow. these last two weeks have definitely been an experience. but im done with him. im done with you. youre just. ugh. its almost like i dont hate you but i do. because i mean. idk. i wanna say its not all your fault. because i kind of knew what i was getting myself into. i knew you guys were still friends and i knew she still loved you and alot of people cheat. but i do know you dont love her. its like the scene in hes just not that into you when scarlett johansen is in the closet while the cheater has sex with his wife in his office, scarlett johansens total disgust with him when his wife leaves the office is unexplainable. thats kinda how i feel. its like yeah i was attracted to you, but you fucked me over so..yeah. im done. with you forever. up until last night i thought itd be fate kinda what happened, like then youd go off to college and like three or four or five years from now wed see each other again and pick up right where we left off. like the kind of movie that doesnt win an oscar because its been done and redone so many times before. but that isnt going to happen. because in lamens terms, i never want to see you again. i mean part of me does. but. im not going to. and that my friend, is okay. have just a super time in college..thats what i wanted to say. but i didnt want to be mean the last time we ever talked. and i know youre just getting back together with her so you can have sex with her a couple more times before you leave. i see right through you mark piciulo. and you. are dispicable. and if you wanna go fuck a 16 or 17 year old girl thats still in love with hannah montana, go for it. becuase thats. just hilarious.

for the record.

i know what im doing going into this. i know what the outcome might be. but i need to know. i need closure.

baby.

im okay. im going to be okay. im just. im done with you. it sounds egoish but i deserve better. you werent that great anyway. and as long as i think about the bad times and not the good ones, i can get past this. because you are a selfish bastard. and i deserve to be happy.
and you have a stupid name. and your little girlfriend makes it stupider by adding a Y.

Y.

AND WHO THE FUCK PUTS A 'Y' AT THE END OF MARK. MARKY? HES NOT FUCKING FIVE. GROW THE FUCK UP.

i dont know who i hate more.

at first it was going to be 'i hate you.' because i do. i hate you so much. i want you gone. forever. you said the other night that i probably still hated you, and i said no, i stopped about two months ago. well, your back on the shit list bud.
then it was going to be 'i hate her'. but if i dont even know her how can i hate her? i dont know but i do. shes a whore. shes a slut. i wish evil upon her.
but it ended up being 'i dont know who i hate more.' becuase honestly i dont. i hate you at about 100% right now. and i hate her about 120%. but i hate myself more than that combined. TWICE. i let myself fall. and honestly. im the only one to blame.
you made me cry. actually. no. youre making me cry. and cry. and cry. it was a good night. i had fun tonight. YOU FUCKING RUINED IT. YOU SELFISH BASTARD. I DONT THINK YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE. I HATE YOU AND EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING. GO TO HELL YOU FUCKING JACKASS.
after january and february, i tried to think of reasons to hate you. and now i have one. thank you.
i would say i have closure. but i am going to text you tomorrow night to see if we can talk. then i will have closure.
what was i anyway. YOU DONT FUCKING LOVE HER. or maybe i made you realize you do love her. and good for you. but whatever. because after that shit you pulled i dont think you deserve to be happy anymore.

obviously.

the thing is, everyone saw it coming. everyone knew it. it seems like you spend more time with him than you do your own boyfriend, and im pretty sure you do. i wanna say i tried to warn you, but i pretty much tried to stay out of it, because when i did that with schulwitz and hutchinson (omg i just realized her last name has my last name in it wow) bad things happened. idk. you guys figure it out. but this blog will probably change after i talk to you. so everything i wrote is based on what ive wittnessed.

because even if it breaks your heart to be just friends..if you really care about someone youll take the hit.

if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop and then you take it away. if you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you will have nothing to cry about.

i cant even begin to explain...

lets get this straight. i do not love him. i care about him. and im not crazy. im not on pills. im just writing down what i think, if half of my friends did this theirs would sound way more crazy than i do.
i dont even know where to start. like really. if i should just explain it from the beginning or just go with what im thinking right now. i think the latter, explaining it would take..hours.
so. ahaha. i promised myself. i drew up a fake scenario and then texted what i would reply if that fake scenario ever actually happened. why must i always go against my better judgement, its like i recognize the good choice, then deliberately go with the bad one..but the bad one just feels so good. and if anyone is reading this..dont judge. just dont. because honestly. i challenge anyone who has ever had a moment where they think they have been truly happy, step in my shoes for that night..and trust me, you will be sad you did because you will realize that that happiness only happens once in a life time, if that, and its almost impossible to achieve.
its like once you stop caring everything works out for the better. 4 months. 4 months of care and sadness and analyzing and scrutenizing every minute we were together. and nothing. nothing happened. 3 months of not caring and being completely over everything that ever happened and haha..everything i ever wanted happens. no joke..i must have pictured that night at least 20 times way back when..and then a couple times before it happened..and then it did. and it was like a dream..and then i saw the tire tracks the next morning..haha.
i thought id be able to let go easier this time..but the truth is, no. not until youre gone to college. then i will be able to, i promise. because i wont be able to see you and that will force me to be over it.
AND THEN. your little ex girlfriend HA. HAHAHA. HA. uhh..hahahaaa. and i was jealous. so jealous when i first saw her write on your wall. but, then i was like, he doesnt really love her, because if he did, he wouldnt have broken up with her then gotten [cheated] with me. i think i actually turned out on top/made out better than she did. and the fact that i could rip her apart physically and mentally just makes it all that much better.
okay i admit facebook helped me with this next section: the fact is, the person i used to be really close to, the person i miss, the person who makes me or made me smile of my worst days, the person who makes me laugh uncontrollably, the person who changed my life, the person i more than once had a crush on, the funniest person i know, the person who actually cares about me and not getting in my pants, the person who hurt me once and feels bad about it, the person i can talk to anything about and did, the person i care most about in this world, the person i realized i can live, but dont want to live without..is leaving in two weeks for college. what am i supposed to do when all of these people are gone?
he said he wont because he thinks id regret it..yet i know i wouldnt because the one thing he doesnt know is that ive wanted it with him from the start.
i do not regret it. i got my fairy land tale night. it was perfect. and im telling you..whoever is reading this with no life..that it hurts more than i ever thought it would..but i wouldnt trade it for the world.
and anyone, i mean anyone, who tries to take this away from me, or talk me out of how good it was, or how happy i was, or tries to ruin this, i will lose all respect for you. any of you. even if were that close. so dont even try, because i wont listen.
have you ever been extremely happy, but extremely sad at the same time? because i admit, i am sad. but im sad because i know i will never be that happy again.