why so sad?

i dont believe im thinking about this again.
ugh. but, you asked. and i wanna blame you for asking
but i should blame myself for telling.
i used to wonder how itd be better to lose it,
to someone you really had feelings for
or to a fling youd never see or talk to again.
fortunately, or unfortunately, i lost it to both.
guess it depends on how you look at it.

and that text made my cry.
"is it alright if i just invited her to see the movie with us?"
no. its not. but would i ever say that to you? no.
because youre ecstatic that you have a girlfriend,
and i helped set you up with her.
but having a girlfriend changes everything.
i told you things wouldnt be the same.
whered my best friends go?

it seems like everyone's moving on but me.
but i guess that's my own fault.
and a part of me's glad you guys miss the summer shine, too.
but parts of it i dont miss i guess.

i have a feeling if you had known it was me you wouldnt have texted back.
i made a mistake.
i shouldnt have told you who i was.
i regretted it the moment i sent it.
it was my chance to be free.
i blew it.
i deleted you from my phone.
i can only hope my text got lost in cyberspace.
or you had the good sense not to readd me.
please please please
last year all i wanted for christmas was you
this year all i want is to forget you.
honest.

i dont know why i make such a big deal out of nothing.
i get jealous over nothing.
you are nothing.
i am nothing.
we are nothing.
and my caring stops here.

oh.

don't let go.
i've wanted this far too long.
mistakes become regrets,
i've learned to love abuse.
please show me what i'm looking for.

im not here at your disposal.
youre a tool.
im done.

dicks.

frustrated would be just one of the emotions im feeling right now.
frustrated with a headache.
a headache from snorting too much.
a headache from you.
go fuck yourself.
i probably deserve what i got.
the sad thing is i legitimately liked you.
correction, i legitimately like you.
present tense.

and the thing is, with other people ive always been able to tell why things like this happen. but with you i cant. youre hot and youre cold youre yes and youre no blah blah blah. and i hate the fact that i cant pinpoint it. i understand my ap euro textbook better than i understand you...and that's sad seeing as i have a C in that class. i must be failing yours.

decisions, decisions.
i was never good at making those.

im sorry.

i guess im doing something right...
yet you make it seem like im doing everything wrong.
and that hurts.
but i guess its the price i pay
for friendship.
i want you to be honest,
i just wish the truth didnt make me feel like shit.
and i know youll read this and think im blowing things way out of proportion
but i figure thats probably expected by now.
and you know how much your opinions mean to me,
so i guess i felt like what i didnt know wouldnt hurt me.

and explaining things wont do me any justice. because as much as i love you, you probably wont understand because you have an amazing girlfriend who loves you unconditionally and practically worships you and who will be there no matter what and i...dont.
and i wanted to tell you before today and after i said the tool thing that i legitimately liked him.
so sometimes i think if i pretend things dont bother me and i dont have emotions or feelings it will really happen..but we both know it wont. and i guess we just have to let me hurt myself. and i probably sound like an idiot that isnt making any sense or being logical in the least. but hey, that cant surprise you anymore. we both know i fuck up more than i should. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore.
and i know i can partially change things but i guess i figure i wont ever get what i really want and maybe these little things will make me happy for now. im just tired of being alone i guess. im not intentionally trying to make you or anyone upset, and honest to god hate it when people are mad at me if i havent made that obvious enough.

and now that ive been the biggest drama slut i can be for one day: end scene.

i want to cry
i want to scream
i want to sleep.

rewind a year
and look a year
into the future.
im a stranger to myself.

just keep swimming.

im so lost lately.
its like someone dropped me off in the middle of the sahara desert
or the atlantic ocean and im forced to swim my way out.
ill get to the shore eventually,
if a shark doesnt eat me first.

wait..what.

the amount that can change in one day is unbelievable.
and really zoe. i love you. but i just cant do this anymore. i cant keep this up. i cant invest myself in a friendship that isnt honest. ill miss you, really. but i think this is for the better.and i dont doubt for a second that matt told you me and alena were together. it doesnt bother me that much.
and mind games are no fun when youre not the one playing.
and ive got this friend who is almost too good. and ive told him that.
and i dont know where im headed but i like the path im on.

Second chances they dont ever matter,
People never change.
Once a whore youre nothing more,
Im sorry thatll never change.

i wish it would but i just dont think it will and i dont think im willing to put myself in this situation all over again.

ten bucks says theyre listed as in a relationship by new year's.
another ten bucks says theyre broken up by spring break.

how'd i miss this.

i reread the marriage paper i wrote in the spring about why people get married and i remembered why i feel the way i do about you dad:

"Without trying to hurt my feelings my mom explained that after they had me, her life changed but my father’s didn’t. My dad just wanted to do what he had always done and wasn’t willing to make any sacrifices. My mom had to forfeit everything and it was no longer a two- way street, taking care of me, between her and my father; and no longer having that partnership was hurtful to my mom. My father’s actions, or lack of actions, made her see him in a different light; a light she wasn’t particularly fond of, and a light she knew probably wasn’t going to change, unless it was with animosity, which she didn’t want."

and there you have it. i dont think you ever wanted me in the first place. i dont know how i didnt catch this six months ago. i hate you.

rewind.

thinking in the shower where i was a year ago.
who i was friends with
what i did on weekends
what i never thought id be doing on weekends now
what i thought id never do period.
the friends:
chocolate bear, the girl who said more to me today alone than in the last four months combined. i actually realized i missed that. even if it was about socrates.
frodo, the kid with the dirty fingernails who at one point i almost knew inside and out and dont even recognize anymore
the heart breaker, who i could have sworn that i secretly wanted to marry in the long run because as messed up as he was i knew he was going places in life [i was right]. the one who still slips into my dreams every now and then, yeah i wish thatd stop. you gave me my second and third broken heart, good job.
the funny one obsessed with her boyfriend, yes zoe that was you a year ago. i remember when we used to talk about how you spent too much time with matt sprague and not enough time with us. haha
shaggy, the stoner and best friend to frodo. the one i hardly knew and was slightly afraid of, actually extremely afraid of. who knew we'd come this far. i love you like a brother and i can honestly say youre my best friend.
none of these relationships are the same as they were a year ago. the first two are practically gone, the third i wish to forget about, the fourth has recently been in rehabilitation, and the fifth has its ups and downs. the rest of the people i associate myself with today came later in life, after midterms. i just want to go back to one of the days a year ago and slow it down. cherish it. be thankful for what i had. im thankful for what i have now, but from time to time i miss what i had then.

they wanna meet me?
they wanna meet me?

boredom.

please stop talking to me. i talk to you to be polite. really. we had a thing like weeks ago and i dont know how i got here but im actually if not annoyed, repulsed by your talking and thinking youre so magnificent. thanks.

oh and other one. im done with you and your boob obsession. legit. i know youre a big shot and everything, but, ehh. i dont really think youre that adorable. youre kinda icky in some ways actually. peace.

poetry to me is nothing. its a group of words. especially the ones that dont rhyme. theyre legit just sentences that people think are special and try to give a deeper meaning. its dull, boring and has no point. it takes zero skill.

example:
i like pie.

poem. done. except it's completely false because i hate pie. if people wanna say something either blog or write a book. dont write shit that generations from now people are going to call fantastic and my super great grandchildren will fall asleep over out of boredom. end of story.

no.
i want a logan.
i want a jim.
i want someone to treat me like that.
end of story.