if you think about it, weed doesnt acutally smell good.we just associate the smell with the amazing feelings and sensational sensations we have while high. thats why weed smeells so goo.d

oh no oh no oh no oh no
this has to end
end
end.
i dont want to do this anymore
you were gone
gone
gone.
and now youre back.
i will not let this happen.
no more.
no
no
no.

i'm done with this.

late nights.
sans bra.
t shirts.
sweatshirts.
bonfires.
music.
modest mouse.
matt and kim.
secrets.
whispers.
sleepovers.
time travel.
no shoes.
short skirts.
weed.
hands.
boys.
no facebook.
no computer.
running.
singing.
sunsets.
trampoline.
sunscreen.
summer.

twenty minutes into the trip and we were already closer.
and i just couldnt take keeping it from her any more.
she told me what the numbers meant,
not because i asked.
and i told her what we did,
just because it hurt not to.

live in the moment, right?

beaming. i walked in and they said i was beaming i was so smiley. all because of you and your hello's- see what you do to me?
i dont think ive ever been told i was beaming before.

i dont have to make the choice,
i like girls and i like boys.
i dont have to make the choice,
i like girls and i like boys.
i dont have to make the choice,
i like girls and i like boys.

i dont seem right. i'm not the one.
straight from the source people, straight from the source.

what do we do instead of going to the pep rally?
smoke.

new york city 2 days yes.

where to miss?
to the stars.

complicate things? no. not us.

ouch, that was nice.

not even the rain could put me to sleep.
woodchopper, meet face. face, meet woodchopper.
and yes the same woodchopper that met a certain boy's heart about a year ago.

bittersweet.
bittersweet.
bittersweet.
which is it?
i dont know.
it's both.

the feeling of danger has somewhat passed.
learning to take life as it comes at you...to make each day count.
after all, you only live once,
and i hate to see life slip through my fingers.

so much for not blogging.

i have this weird thing where i cant take my own advice.
not everything has to be complicated. we make things complicated.
and even things that are complicated, we manage to make more complicated.

relationships can only be sustained if honesty is the base on which theyre built.

spring fever.

i think im back on my wavelength, as alena would put it.

two months ago i asked for commitment and you said no
and i regretted every second of it.
"i thought you were done with him" she said
apparently we had some unfinished business.
because the truth is i havent stopped thinking about it since we broke it off.
youre interesting,
youre interested.
you put me back in my summer mindset.
i love summer.
and the greatest part is, in summer i dont care what happens.

i cant wait to watch you fail. and everyone will be telling everyone else i told ya so...cunt.

saint patrick's day: it is the closest that the irish will ever get to christmas.
i love the office too.

and i think this is the end of the blog for awhile. no one needs to know everything. its what consciences and dreams and the last five minutes of every class period are for- to think. and if i want to write, ill write. and if i want to think, ill think.
and one last thing: new york city. and florida with turned off phones and waves and boys. all within three weeks. best april ever.

cherish who you have to hold
cause they wont always be there for you.

this then going to bed.

being best friends with the opposite sex is easier said than done.
i think we've all proven that.
and if youre saying...'not really',
then i encourage you to think of a situation where there hasnt been complications.
then, when feelings get involved, you might as well have your friends choose sides right then and there, because it will not work out under any circumstances.
again, at one point or another weve all proven that.
you cant have your cake and eat it too
you just cant.
life isnt that nice.
this is based off of both observations (plural) and personal experience.

d
r
i
f
t
i
n
g.
we cant avoid it. why is this happening? what happened to my best friend? and its not just me, the other one gets it too. if you still read this, which you probably dont, know i really miss you. you were my best friend. but we havent talked much in weeks. how can i be best friends with someone i never talk to? i dont want to accept drifting. its happened before with others. i dont want it to happen with you. no. i love you too much. we used to be so open with each other, now one by one bricks are being built up between us. was it something i said?

it's weird that im even more done now than i was before.

subconsciously you dont sleep with him because you want control. if you sleep with him you wont have it, and youll be miserable, point blank. we desire control because it's a safety blanket. if we were all to let go of it, think of the possibilities.

done. done. done. done. done.

awee he's just so gosh darn cute.

talking? sharing cds? commenting on pictures? UM. WIN.
the four of us again. well actually no, not again. this would be the first time
people have come and gone but its never been just us four.
okay so yes i admit itd be a little weird at first...but oh the possibilities!

let's start with this:
were not friends. i dont know how you still think we are. i put up with you yes, but thats because im not a heartless bitch. im not a fan of you tho, and i dont miss you. six months ago, yeah i did. but ive lost all respect for you. the way you treat people, your best friend, everything. youre alot different from when we first met, all you really think about it yourself and i honestly dont think you care about anyone around you but that silly stupid girl who broke up with you. yeah, dont you wish you had left your best friend for her?


and now:
she's wrong. i know she has a weird sense for knowing these things but i just know she's wrong. she has to be. no no no. no. you cant. you wouldnt. youre smarter than that. please tell me youre smarter than that.

i have never had a worse dream.
no.
no.
nuhh uhh,
nuhh uhh.
no.
no.
no,
no,
no.
no.
hell no.
no.
no.
i refuse..
NO.
no.

ohh ohh ohh ee ohh the world's gone crazy.
but those who never make mistakes never do anything worth while,
let's stop taking everything so seriously.

i lied...doesnt everyone?

i guess it's the ultimate question that noone really seems to be able to answer because not many people know of a situation it's ever really worked out in. is it true that gain can not be made without another person's loss? or does the gain triumph the loss we may never have to face? let's see how far we've come.

let's just skip today and go straight to tomorrow.

wander down the roads youve never taken before,
or ones youll never chance upon again.

wait. what the hell just happened?
i realize that tv doesnt really blow high school way out of proportion.
nope. high school really just is that way.
except ive never seen poprocks on tv.
i said my life was getting boring
i wanted something interesting...
well, ask and you shall receive.

i round the corner and the sight of you pretty much knocks me to me knees.

it was the best dream ever. and it was so simple
and so real. and i think i woke up crying,
or at least knowing i should.

walking in the mall
hand in hand
they pass and stare
look me head to toe
'seriously, them?'
theyre so mean,
but i could care less.
we kiss quickly
and walk away together,
and all is right with the world.

i miss you.
can i be more obvious?

that dream, no. that night terror, oh god it seemed too real.
'she's changed' 'no she hasnt youll hate her in a month' 'yeah probs.'
i like the way things are now.
enough said.

whatever. i guess this guys okay, but i miss you. i miss your face. ugh. so much for being friends

okay this is creeepy. just weird.

without the bad times
good ones wouldnt be as good.

i want your smile back.

i always had your little head,
i never had your big one.

i didnt mean for it to end like this. i didnt want this. i take it back, i take it all back. i want you. i miss you. i want you to hold me like you did this summer. i want to take it from you. i want to cuddle, i want to snuggle, i hate both of those words especially snuggle with a passion but if saying bring you back i will. stop the tears. stop my crying. i do want what we had this summer, but i was emotionless, which is i guess what you wanted. the emotionless me. the me on the rebound. it hurts.

shawty's like a melody in my head.
i got my oscar moment,
it was just the wrong genre.
it's done.
were over.
for reals.

angered by the thought of you,
softened by your smile.

i ain't your booty call
it doesnt have it's own number.

matt and kim take me back.
we didnt used to be like this.
you didnt used to be like this.

when you have insomnia, you're never really asleep...and you're never really awake.

ashiadsfjk HELP.
im drowning.
shark.

fuck you.
im done with this.
i cant concentrate.
i cant stop checking my phone.
youre making me paranoid.
im making myself paranoid.
we need to talk.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant do casual.

we need to talk.
i need to tell you this
while im in this mindset.
and it cant wait forever.

it's just the kind of thing
that should really bother me,
but bothers me just enough
to keep me awake at night.

"oh, alexis, you're pants are ripped" -mr. davidson

"yeahhh, i know" -me

"did you fall?" -mr. davidson

"haha, nahh" -me

"no, she's just on her knees alot" -sarah

best moment ever.

i guess i didn't wish hard enough.

I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away.

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
I should know that you're no good for me.
I should know that you're not gonna change.

it's like that scene in scrubs where elliot becomes semi dependent
on keith, and she's waiting at the door of the hospital for him
to come with her and holds her breath because she's scared he wont,
shes scared he means more to her than she means to him.

yeah he's got a smile that like, makes me see the light
and is incredibly contagious, but no. no no no.
i am not doing the same stupid self destructive
shit i did last year. it just hurts too much.
i need to cry.

i have little experience, but it's still experience.

i love the way it feels when im tweaking,
i love the way i am.
i hate the crash,
it makes me wanna die.

this is why i told you dont.
it's just not worth it.

uhh ohh
ohh no.
dont do this to me.

you wont weasel your way back in here.
so dont even try.
noone wants you
youre a lying two-faced bitch.

who's a whore?
im a whore.
i feel like one of those people
with a creepy ass internet boyfriend.
like someone from WOW
who ive never actually met
but have this relationship with.
dear god, looks like my job's gonna be easy.

this was me trying,
this was me saying no,
and you wouldn't take it as an answer?
wait, what just happened?