why so sad?

i dont believe im thinking about this again.
ugh. but, you asked. and i wanna blame you for asking
but i should blame myself for telling.
i used to wonder how itd be better to lose it,
to someone you really had feelings for
or to a fling youd never see or talk to again.
fortunately, or unfortunately, i lost it to both.
guess it depends on how you look at it.

and that text made my cry.
"is it alright if i just invited her to see the movie with us?"
no. its not. but would i ever say that to you? no.
because youre ecstatic that you have a girlfriend,
and i helped set you up with her.
but having a girlfriend changes everything.
i told you things wouldnt be the same.
whered my best friends go?

it seems like everyone's moving on but me.
but i guess that's my own fault.
and a part of me's glad you guys miss the summer shine, too.
but parts of it i dont miss i guess.

i have a feeling if you had known it was me you wouldnt have texted back.
i made a mistake.
i shouldnt have told you who i was.
i regretted it the moment i sent it.
it was my chance to be free.
i blew it.
i deleted you from my phone.
i can only hope my text got lost in cyberspace.
or you had the good sense not to readd me.
please please please
last year all i wanted for christmas was you
this year all i want is to forget you.
honest.

i dont know why i make such a big deal out of nothing.
i get jealous over nothing.
you are nothing.
i am nothing.
we are nothing.
and my caring stops here.

oh.

don't let go.
i've wanted this far too long.
mistakes become regrets,
i've learned to love abuse.
please show me what i'm looking for.

im not here at your disposal.
youre a tool.
im done.

dicks.

frustrated would be just one of the emotions im feeling right now.
frustrated with a headache.
a headache from snorting too much.
a headache from you.
go fuck yourself.
i probably deserve what i got.
the sad thing is i legitimately liked you.
correction, i legitimately like you.
present tense.

and the thing is, with other people ive always been able to tell why things like this happen. but with you i cant. youre hot and youre cold youre yes and youre no blah blah blah. and i hate the fact that i cant pinpoint it. i understand my ap euro textbook better than i understand you...and that's sad seeing as i have a C in that class. i must be failing yours.

decisions, decisions.
i was never good at making those.

im sorry.

i guess im doing something right...
yet you make it seem like im doing everything wrong.
and that hurts.
but i guess its the price i pay
for friendship.
i want you to be honest,
i just wish the truth didnt make me feel like shit.
and i know youll read this and think im blowing things way out of proportion
but i figure thats probably expected by now.
and you know how much your opinions mean to me,
so i guess i felt like what i didnt know wouldnt hurt me.

and explaining things wont do me any justice. because as much as i love you, you probably wont understand because you have an amazing girlfriend who loves you unconditionally and practically worships you and who will be there no matter what and i...dont.
and i wanted to tell you before today and after i said the tool thing that i legitimately liked him.
so sometimes i think if i pretend things dont bother me and i dont have emotions or feelings it will really happen..but we both know it wont. and i guess we just have to let me hurt myself. and i probably sound like an idiot that isnt making any sense or being logical in the least. but hey, that cant surprise you anymore. we both know i fuck up more than i should. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore.
and i know i can partially change things but i guess i figure i wont ever get what i really want and maybe these little things will make me happy for now. im just tired of being alone i guess. im not intentionally trying to make you or anyone upset, and honest to god hate it when people are mad at me if i havent made that obvious enough.

and now that ive been the biggest drama slut i can be for one day: end scene.

i want to cry
i want to scream
i want to sleep.

rewind a year
and look a year
into the future.
im a stranger to myself.

just keep swimming.

im so lost lately.
its like someone dropped me off in the middle of the sahara desert
or the atlantic ocean and im forced to swim my way out.
ill get to the shore eventually,
if a shark doesnt eat me first.

wait..what.

the amount that can change in one day is unbelievable.
and really zoe. i love you. but i just cant do this anymore. i cant keep this up. i cant invest myself in a friendship that isnt honest. ill miss you, really. but i think this is for the better.and i dont doubt for a second that matt told you me and alena were together. it doesnt bother me that much.
and mind games are no fun when youre not the one playing.
and ive got this friend who is almost too good. and ive told him that.
and i dont know where im headed but i like the path im on.

Second chances they dont ever matter,
People never change.
Once a whore youre nothing more,
Im sorry thatll never change.

i wish it would but i just dont think it will and i dont think im willing to put myself in this situation all over again.

ten bucks says theyre listed as in a relationship by new year's.
another ten bucks says theyre broken up by spring break.

how'd i miss this.

i reread the marriage paper i wrote in the spring about why people get married and i remembered why i feel the way i do about you dad:

"Without trying to hurt my feelings my mom explained that after they had me, her life changed but my father’s didn’t. My dad just wanted to do what he had always done and wasn’t willing to make any sacrifices. My mom had to forfeit everything and it was no longer a two- way street, taking care of me, between her and my father; and no longer having that partnership was hurtful to my mom. My father’s actions, or lack of actions, made her see him in a different light; a light she wasn’t particularly fond of, and a light she knew probably wasn’t going to change, unless it was with animosity, which she didn’t want."

and there you have it. i dont think you ever wanted me in the first place. i dont know how i didnt catch this six months ago. i hate you.

rewind.

thinking in the shower where i was a year ago.
who i was friends with
what i did on weekends
what i never thought id be doing on weekends now
what i thought id never do period.
the friends:
chocolate bear, the girl who said more to me today alone than in the last four months combined. i actually realized i missed that. even if it was about socrates.
frodo, the kid with the dirty fingernails who at one point i almost knew inside and out and dont even recognize anymore
the heart breaker, who i could have sworn that i secretly wanted to marry in the long run because as messed up as he was i knew he was going places in life [i was right]. the one who still slips into my dreams every now and then, yeah i wish thatd stop. you gave me my second and third broken heart, good job.
the funny one obsessed with her boyfriend, yes zoe that was you a year ago. i remember when we used to talk about how you spent too much time with matt sprague and not enough time with us. haha
shaggy, the stoner and best friend to frodo. the one i hardly knew and was slightly afraid of, actually extremely afraid of. who knew we'd come this far. i love you like a brother and i can honestly say youre my best friend.
none of these relationships are the same as they were a year ago. the first two are practically gone, the third i wish to forget about, the fourth has recently been in rehabilitation, and the fifth has its ups and downs. the rest of the people i associate myself with today came later in life, after midterms. i just want to go back to one of the days a year ago and slow it down. cherish it. be thankful for what i had. im thankful for what i have now, but from time to time i miss what i had then.

they wanna meet me?
they wanna meet me?

boredom.

please stop talking to me. i talk to you to be polite. really. we had a thing like weeks ago and i dont know how i got here but im actually if not annoyed, repulsed by your talking and thinking youre so magnificent. thanks.

oh and other one. im done with you and your boob obsession. legit. i know youre a big shot and everything, but, ehh. i dont really think youre that adorable. youre kinda icky in some ways actually. peace.

poetry to me is nothing. its a group of words. especially the ones that dont rhyme. theyre legit just sentences that people think are special and try to give a deeper meaning. its dull, boring and has no point. it takes zero skill.

example:
i like pie.

poem. done. except it's completely false because i hate pie. if people wanna say something either blog or write a book. dont write shit that generations from now people are going to call fantastic and my super great grandchildren will fall asleep over out of boredom. end of story.

no.
i want a logan.
i want a jim.
i want someone to treat me like that.
end of story.

epiphany toilet on the roof of the hospital.

and then the lightbulb went off.
i am not being conceited.
i am pretty.
i am smart.
i have friends.
i will be successful.
i will not be a drop out.
i will go to an extremely good college.
i am not one of them.
and never will be.

i dont need them. all i want is the ritalin to lose weight. thats it. im not trying more drugs with you guys. im not going on a trip for 4 days straight and not sleeping. im not going to be a failure. my life wont suck. i am not going to be a trashy drug addict.
yes i will still experiment.
but most likely under the supervision of my two brothers. and no, theyre not black.
theres this guy who thinks im one of the hottest things ever. probably cuz of my boobs. hes obsessed. he also is going to college next year. he will be successful. i can hang out with him and not be totally trashed. hes not edge. hes not an addict either. hes in the middle. hes normal. and yeah that might seem boring. but i could list about 20 girls that would be jealous of me. lexie and meaghan-they stalked him and acted like complete bimboey freaks around him. i was just myself. and it was okay.
and then theres this other kid. a high school dropout who im married to. who has no future. i cant be with someone who has no future. you said it yourself, youre to lazy to do anything but drugs. you want to stop, but its hard, well IT is not hard actually because youre on a fucking 4 day trip. i am not gonna be the trashy ass skank who gets fucked up then fucks. well. yeah. idk. idts at least.
i miss fridays when they were our days. i miss going around in the summer smoking weed in a phoneline feild. yeah i liked hanging out with the stoners for a bit, but im stopping. this is it. yeah ill go to them maybe once in a while or hang once in awhile. but it is not a regular thing. i have too bright of a future to fuck it up like all you guys are. sorry, but its the truth.
i dont know what brought these thoughts on. but i look back over the last three weeks or so and yeah i mean it was fun but at the same time its absolutely disgusting. i think a part of me will miss it, but i will be glad to be back with my friends again. my friends. the ones i know will be there when i need them and take two steps closer when i ask them to back off. the ones i can count on. the ones who wont be fiending. the ones i dont have to hide my lighters and money from. the ones i love. the ones i want to tell i am sorry ive been blind these last few weeks. im back. its me. and im not going down that path..
oh. and ill still smoke ciggs.

okay. officially never ever dating someone in the drug world.
its just bad.
they dont care about you they care about drugs.
and you say youre not normally like this, but i think thats a lie.
i dont think id even date you nick.
because i can see you in my mind turning around and doing the same thing.
as sweet as you are.
but im glad i found out before it was too late.
i like drugs.
but i dont like these people that much anymore.
the rush is over i think.

and yes. opening presents of socks with the tiny girl with the triumphant ass.

quarters.

i swear to god, my life is a living sitcom. or drama.
depends how you look at it.
drugs do silly things to people.
bitches be crazy
dicks be punchin walls
or punching people...
not me. this is only to go down a size or two.

haha rate the dick.
so does this mean we can hang out again..?
please answer. even if its no. i miss you.
and i dont expect to become friends with alena again or anything
i mean thatd be a bonus but isnt necessary.
my life has changed
and it looks like yours finally has too.
and i think weve both grown up some.
but no chance in hell are we close to being adults.

oh this is bad.
this is very bad.
i shouldnt be buying this shit.
but wait, alena did too i guess.
but she just bought weed.
and it was from colin.
and i trust colin.
we all trust colin.
but ugh. i have a bad feeling about this.
and my tummy hurts.

im glad we talked. that was good.
even if i was counting my drug money while doing so.
haha i missed you alot zoe.

stoner.

dxm+sex=bad idea.

every year, things change.
and i miss the way things used to be
and i miss who i used to be
but im not gonna do anything about it
because im happy the way things are now.
i think.

stop being so attractive for a whole two seconds please..thanks.
youre partially causing my self destruction.
and you admitted you pretty much started it too.

what is this crazy talk?

feels so good.
feels so bad.
where the fuck am i going with this shit.
this shits legit.
dont wanna fall.
how do i get out.
but wait, who said i wanted out?
but im not sure i want in either.

i am about to pass out from pain of ear stretching.
blood.
excruciating.
how am i doing this to myself.

i know. you know. thats all who needs to know. i like you.

i've got some issues that nobody can see
and all these emotions are pouring out of me.

just when i thought fridays could not get any better.
i was so wrong.
this is the life.
dont get angry with me.

i can officially say i love my life.
best.day.ever.
beats everything else times a million.
and lets me forget everything.
and makes it all go away.

tomorrow itll be eight weeks since ive talked to you.

i think i might have loved you.
i want a dean.
i want a jess.
i lied. i dont want this new kid. i dont want this poor kid im supposed to be with.
i cant stop changing my mind.
i only want you, the one person i was always comfortable around.
but in all honesty i probably dont love you anymore.
i wish i did.
i wish everything didnt happen so fast.
i wish i had the chance to cry over you.
i wish we still talked.
i wish youd come visit.
i wish youd text me.
i wish you cared.
i wish i didnt care.
i wish i never loved you.

deep breath in, deep breath out.

youre a selfish, inconsiderate, good for nothing bastard who doesnt give a shit about me. i hate you. i want to stop thinking about you. i should have nothing to do with you. stop invading my dreams. stop invading my thoughts. a part of me wants to never see you again. and the other part wishes you were here.
i miss you.

navigate me somewhere else.

what the hell. you were in my dream.
you were married. and had kids. 2 i think.
why is this happening.
i just want you to leave.
please.

navigate me through the world and pixie sticks.

i officially dont care about you anymore..either of you.
clean slate
fresh start
fuck it.

im lost. and i dont know where to go and i dont know who to turn to. and honestly, its the worst feeling in the world. and it just wont go away.

finally.

sometimes its a good thing to let professionals do what they do best.

and as for you, sir, fuck it. youre not worth my time or energy, and most definitely not worth the anxiety. buhh bye.

i dont know where i stand with you and i hate it hate it hate it HATE IT. but ugh. oh well.
i am suffocated and lost when i have not the bright feeling of progression.
and i dont feel like im progressing with you.
its like onestepforward, twostepsback.
and it feels not so nice.

oh, boy.

you confuse the shit out of me.. and the best part is im learning not to care. i wont wait for you. i wont obsess over you. if you want me you can have me, and ill lead you on but im not going to beg.

god seriously. youre the most insecure selfish bitch ive ever met.

shaking again? i thought we stopped this.

why do i even care?
please. enlighten me.
i barely know you.

youre too big of a flirt.
youre not worth it.

maybe its just not worth it. maybe your just not worth it.
because i want you.
but i need a constant.
and i kind of want my constant to be you.
but im not sure thats possible.

an addict I'm not...
thinking I could help
one day my love will be enough,
but it won't I can tell

do you treat them all like this?

see i get in this certain mindset. and then i fuck things up. and then when things dont go the way id hoped i think its all my fault. and its a horrible horrible feeling. see, if i just dont try, things will come. haha youre such a flirt.
"just
stop
caring
and
things
will
happen."
easier said than done.

i dont know what you think of me. you probably think im a whore. maybe i shouldnt have told you. oops.. ugh.

this week has had zero drama...i wonder why.

lady gaga.

photographs and brightly colored paper
are your mask you wear in this caper
that is our life
we walk right into the strife
and a tear from your eye brings me home.

all it takes is a walk in the rain and the leaves and im back to you.

you're my new obsession.

haha i miss when we used to talk! at least you still remember me haha. you made my day today :] even if it took you three weeks to notice. i never see you anymore. sad.

out with the old in with the new
its not up to me
and im not gonna stop it
because in all honesty
i dont mind the way things are going.

digging a whole and the walls are caving in behind me.

if we could go back would we, would we cry ourselves to sleep at night.

people walk in and out of my life daily. who am i to stop them. the reality of it is i dont care anymore. i cant. if i did i would be hysterical. im pretty sure ive just gone numb of it all.
and dear crazy bitch.
congrats because right now at this time in life you probably are happier than i am. your perfect life in your little bubble with perfect mom and dad and dog. at least i dont have to make drama or problems.. my life is interesting enough. do you want an award for being average?

time to grow up.

dear god grow the fuck up. seriously. im two years younger than you yet im told im still more mature. somethings wrong with that. youre really unbelievable.
and yeah. we have fun hanging out. may be hard to imagine but we used to do the same thing- hang out inside and just sit around taking pictures, eating junk food. look at your blog like 3 or 4 months ago. so dont bitch about us. after all we do all go to the same school and live in the same area. deal with it.
and from what i see and what hes told me he is happy. like truly happy. dont fuck it up just because hes not happy with you. you said it- youre too fucking late.

tv show.

it's like im living in a tv show, where has my old family gone?

i know im going to hell, might as well enjoy the ride.

im still trapped in these mindless thoughts of you and i dont know how to get out.

youre obviously not dead because its not your time.

get your own friends and stop complaining about your life to mine. you just irritate me.

i just need this all to end.

confused
stressed
overwhelmed
tired
what else is new?

these fall feelings are coming back. and i like them. and i like you. but its ridiculous because i cant like you.
but it feels like the walls are closing in, were always running out of time. im always running out of time.

lay off.

am i still in love with you?

and UGH. if you have a problem with alexis go to alexis. dont go bitch about alexis to every other person besides her. have a problem with her, tell her why. and maybe. just maybe shell explain. i dont think this is too hard to understand. or go ahead. live in your bubble. see if she gives a fuck. but you dont know her as well as you think you do. so until you do, dont fucking judge me.

explain to me these dreams, what could they mean?

i want to stop thinking about you. really i do.

and both of you are really bothering me. just give it up leave him alone. ugh.

map.

i wish you were here, id like to think you'd understand.

i really like knowing youre always there.

people need to stop being cunts and get their own lives.

explain to me.

i guess i get it. kind of. not really. actually no. i dont get this at all.
she betrayed like all of us as friends. seriously. she DID SOMETHING UNMENTIONABLE in front of you.
and now youre all like besties with her again?
and she tried on numerious occasions to steal your boyfriend. then. she got pissed at ME for YOU flipping out on her because she was hanging out with ian and i told you?
make this make sense please.

someone needs to find a conscience...OH WAIT. it's you.

find your own time to hang out with her.
dont just come so you can be with her.
we get it youre still like crazy in love with her.
do you want an award?

hahaha whore.

make it stop.

i hate you.
and i dont have feelings for you.
but you being with her still bothers me.

and its weird because my dreams depict reality, just in a different form.

map.

and its times like these that i miss you. i miss us. i miss how we used to be. but youve changed so much since last year. and i miss the old you. i want the old you to hold me when its cold out. when im on the couch. i want you back. i like the old you. but the person youve become makes me want to get as far away from you as humanly possible. kindof.

this is why.

what is this fucking world. mark i hate you. just putting it out there. but what follows has nothing to do with you.
but ugh. after i was questioned i got thinking and im pretty sure that the reason i dont want serious stuff is because im scared. i dont want a commitment because i cant promise i wont wake up tomorrow feeling differently about a person. yet, if i want a commitment i want someone to be able to do that for me. i want what i cant have and once i get it i dont want it. i think part of this lies within my not wanting to set myself up for disappointment. its like i dont want to put all this time and effort into something that someday will fail and come crashing down. i like best friends instead of boyfriends because with best friends you can have a huge fight and eventually make up and theyre always there. with boyfriends its like you break up after a huge fight and everythings over. theyre gone. and i hate goodbyes. and after having poured so much time and put so much trust in that one person, theyre gone. and youre left with empty space.

youd get hypothermia.

oh young one. you act so old yet you are so out of place. you drag this poor girl around like you want her then you dont..because youre desperate. does she know what we did? what are you doing to this poor child? i am so incredibly happy you are out of my life, you have no idea. it just makes me laugh thinking you are going back to her. its just..its so funny. again? really? haha. wow. maybe youre just talking to be nice..but we both know that is never your true intention. only you would do this. honestly. you disgust me. and this time, im not changing my mind. seriously. if you were to text me right now, i would act so cold...

i feel like im set. i feel like im secure. yet i still feel completely lost.

i saw you there.

and you said
and you said
welcome with your eyes.

theres just too much on my mind.

i just get so easily annoyed by you.

do not throw age into this because half the time i act older than you so just cool it. and you think everyones okay with you? and that im blowing stuff out of proportion? im not the one who referred to you as the crazy ex girlfriend. and no. i dont want to hang out with you and her together. i just dont care enough to do it. and the only reason i brought it up the other day is because you mention that i was hanging out with her and melissa. so do not turn this into a 'poor zoe' situation. i see your side of things. i just think you should sometimes think before you speak. and im not mad at you. im frustrated that you acted so childish after youve told me how many times you hate it when other people act that way.
and i quote...
"because idk she just bothers me I just don't like her I'm entitled to it and colin's pathetic about it. he can be happy in other ways "
if thats not childish i dont know what is.
and again. im not mad at you. its just the way youre acting lately is not you. and its a complete turnoff.
and i dont constantly defend you..obviously.

relapse #3.

i feel like i cant depend on anyone anymore.
i cant deal with this. i just cant.

in the center of a ring just like a circus.

because i have realized by now that that is what my family is- a circus. actually. no. that is what my life is. people are going fucking crazy. seriously. shit wont stop hitting the fan. again. and again. and again. and im pretty sure im beginning to get stressed. like super stressed. and my mom thinks i should start therapy. and my fucking other uncle who doesnt give a flying fuck about our family and what happens to his brother and UGH. all because of his FUCKING FIANCE. where is he every weekend? with her family like an hour away. where should he be? WITH US. helping his brother with the fucking alcoholism. BEING SUPPORTIVE. being THERE for him. NOT TWO HOURS AWAY WITH THIS CHICK HES KNOWN LIKE LESS THAN A YEAR. grow the fuck up. be there for the fucking sibling that needs you.
and dear god grey eyed. you need to grow up too. thats all. you just make it so hard to stick up for you. and do you hear yourself when you speak?
and you emo. i wanna hang out with you in the worst way because i think thats what you need. to take your mind off shit. i get it.
some people say im a little odd. a little? try extremely. look at my family. look at what they do. look at what i do. look at the type of people i like. look at who i try to hang out with. look at the type of people who like me.
saturday is either gonna be really fun or really stressful. im leaning towards fun.

control freak.

i honestly am beginning to think youve fallen off the deep end. seriously. what the fuck has gotten into you? you ask him to leave you alone. you ask him to stop nagging you and loving you and telling you he loves you every five fucking seconds. so what? now he has. you should be thrilled. get a fucking life. seriously. you do not control him. and i dont care if your in therapy. its not that special. really. alot of people are. im pretty sure my whole family should be at this point. but nonetheless i dont care who youre bitchy to or who the fuck you want to be your bobble head and want to shake to death. your acting insane. let him go. let him live his life. let him be happy, or die trying, and just stay the fuck out. because you are no help here. obviously. dont get involved just because you think youre queenie and can really fuck things up if you wish. and she is nothing like alena. at all. but then again you wouldnt know, youve never met her. not once. she is the polar opposite of alena. seriously. sweetest girl youll ever meet. youre the one acting like what you blame alena for being. a control freak. that is what you are zoe alexandra christopher. and i know were supposed to be best friends. and i love you to an extent, but its getting extremely hard to stand up for you. you have crossed the line and youre in unwanted territory.

make it stop.

you admitted it yourself- youre an asshole. and i do not want to like an asshole. end of story.

1) i hate not being there. hate it. its like im there, but im not.

2) umm yeah. it was fun.

3) and yes. im a little weird.

"life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
-charlie chaplin

wake up wake up.

i shouldnt care and i dont. i have no feelings for you whatsoever. i could care less if i ever see you again. and im not going to go out of my way to. its gone. and im fine with that i guess. i wish i had had more feeling for you. but i dont. your just there. blah. i actually find it hard to believe i ever cared so much for you, one person.
i feel vindicated. like a hundred pound weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. i'll be up up and away up up and away cuz in the end they'll judge me anyway, so whatever.
its a good feeling i think. its a little weird. but i like it. i like it alot.

here goes nothing.
no. here goes everything.
but not really.

orders of business.

okay. please dont be mad at me for my honesty. you want the truth, i give it. you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, go find some lying bastard. really. be my guest. but dont come to me thinking ill say shell get back with you she loves you too shes miserable without you she wants to be more than friends. because she wont, she doesnt, she isnt, and she doesnt. im sorry. i love you so much and i hate to see you get hurt over and over, just like you said you hate to see me get hurt. and i know this kills you inside and out. but like i said, if you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, im not that person.

and i dont know what it is. i look in the mirror and i see a different future. the dress the pictures the ring the vows, maybe it all makes sense. maybe people arent so crazy. maybe i need that one person that i know will always be there no matter what..but whats the fun in that.

she doesnt care. and chances are shes not gonna. shes in love with him. thats what she says. and i believe her. and i think she should do whateverthefuck she wants. its weird. they just mesh this certain way. end of story.

i dont even know what im doing here anymore.

i get more nervous with each passing hour.

i shouldnt be talking about being bipolar. i change my mind just as much as you change yours. i just dont let you know it. this is all a little too real. lets stop talking about it and just do it. it scares me to talk. i dont like to text about it. your texts scare me and kinda weird me out. and a picture? REALLY. i think not. haha no no no no way. and i think its comforting knowing i could change my mind at any moment i feel uncomfortable and just say no. but would i?
im telling you. i want things i cant have. and the moment i get them i stop wanting them.

i want you now more than ever and as i say that my dream dies.

the point sometimes.

see. this is why i cant get my hopes up for you. because im crazy. because i fear youll dump my little ass for the first pretty college girl that talks to you. not that theres even anything to dump because its not like were together. ha. see where my imagination takes me? all because of you. and i cant get excited or happy or hopeful because i know theres a very good chance youll bail out at the last second. its just you. your nature i guess. or maybe its not. not like i should know. i just im afraid to be happy about it because whenever im happy about things, they never go my way. why is it that i only get what i want when i stop wanting it? i swear to god you do this to me again and your out. off the field. third strike. even if it just ends up being that your not coming home. one. two. three strikes. and your out. youve been warned. not like you care.

jesus christ.

dear god just shut up mom. you cannot pick my friends. you cannot choose. you do not know what half of my life is like. i have friends. lots of friends. so just shut the fuck up and get some of your own. do not tell me im a little odd. do not tell me i am weird. just be happy that im happy and shut the fuck up.

chem.

i started thinking about you in chem today. and i felt good about you. contrary to english. im still unsure. but feeling better.

umm.

let me tell you that i recognize this is a bad decision and take complete fault for whatever actions i make. i dont know how i feel right now. i feel like i am your last resort. like there were no girls at college that wanted you. but either way its not long term. definitely not long term so whatever. cant hurt to try it i guess. and now im talking to this other kid and hes funny and stuff. and ugh idk. i think ill feel better once i see you. but sometimes you just weird me out/kinda scare me with the way you talk when were not in person. i was shaking for a good 20 minutes when i was talking to you. you just do that to me. idk. i think it will be fun tho. haha lots of fun i hope.
and the other thing is, the other kid started talking to me cuz he was concerned about me. i told you what happened and you kinda blew it off, like ohh well. ugh. oh well.

i really just want a jess. im thinking i should maybe just forget you. yes actually. i think forgetting you might be a very good idea indeed. i want someone who cares about me.

ugh i love you girls so much and i miss you and i dont care what they say im visiting tomorrow.

map.

your sending me mixed signals and its driving me insane.
i ugh. i really like you. but im not going to wait. but i cant picture myself with anyone besides you. and its like idk. i feel like you go for what you cant have. but idk i could be reading too much into things like always. but. whenever i think of my life or something i might wear or buy i picture you standing there too. and its weird. but its just the way my mind works i guess. and i dont mind it. i actually like it. but in a sense, it probably gives me false hope...not that ive come to expect anything from you. the only thing ive come to expect is the unexpected. your completely bipolar. katy perry defines you. but it keeps me on my toes. and though it does drive me crazy and makes me nervous and sometimes sad, i dont think id be happy any other way. and i care what happens. but i dont expect anything to.

I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard, Making its coat of our sorrows.

i miss crew and i wanna go back and i wanna be back in the A boat and i wanna go to school tomorrow and it's just not fair. And i want people to stop being bitchy especially people in my family because it seems like everyone took and extra large bitch pill tonight especially grammy. just shut the fuck up and do NOT compare me to a fucking hippo. and i miss you. ugh i miss you so much and i wish you were here and i wish youd come home for a weekend and we could just have you and me day and i could cheer you up. and i just miss my old life. life a month ago. life 10 months ago when we talked and talked and matt and alena were still together and matt and me were still good friends and just.. either one. its just gone. and i want it back.

i continue to break the rules. over. and over. and over again.

im telling you not caring is liquid gold.
now excuse me while i go throw up. im shaking.

map.

okay. you just make my life to damn confusing. or your family does at least. they still talk to her? this is just idk weird and almost stressful and ugh its just too much. not that i care or should care, but i do. but just fuck it..maybe. for now.

i cant even go down one step without hurting. this sucks major.

oh.

speak of the devil and rest assured, he will come.

life as i know it is no more.

AND YOUNG SIR THAT SCARILY RESEMBLES SHAGGY:
STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR LIFE. trust me. others are in MUCH worse positions than you. and frankly, people have stopped caring. ugh. im sorry. i love you dude but this is just too much. and especially dont complain THIS person who is in a worse position than you. THANKS A BUNCHES.

no crew.no work.have to wear a backbrace.
tell me.could life get any better? fuck dis shit.

i dont understand how my life can not only be turned upside down, but also shaken very hard in only a matter of two days.

crew.

and the one thing i love, ripped from my hands.

and now i pretty much just got fired. THIS DAY IS JUST SHOWERED WITH DELIGHT. IT HONESTLY COULD NOT GET ANY FUCKING BETTER.
i want trix. theyre for kids. and i want to be a kid again.

a 15 year old trapped in an 80 year olds body.

this fucking blows. FUCKING BLOWS. and to top it off jamie tells me i was in the A boat next practice. can you say FUCK MY LIFE? i was SO FUCKING CLOSE.
AND THEN on the way to the chiropractor, mother tells me to PRAY about my situation. LIKE I BELIEVE IN GOD AFTER THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN THIS WORLD. TELL THE STARVING ORPHANS IN AFRICA TO FUCKING PRAY. SEE WHAT THE FUCK THEY SAY. OR TELL THOSE WHO HAVE LOST LOVED ONES IN THE WAR. i dare you. im not gonna waste my time praying for something that the so called god will obviously never give me.
and child, stop complaining about your problems. stop holding on to her. youve lost her. and you continue to push her away by trying to bring her close. give it up. give her space. and you might feel like death, but at least you can do something about it.
and then seeing him today when i was in the launch and jamie asking if his best friend had left yet, i wanted to answer so bad. just the mention of your name, and to be reminded you are no longer here, it made everything 10 times worse.

and im out.
ouch.

i probably deserve better in some ways. but i think of your face and the bubbles in the sink and your expression and its like...
i miss you. alot.

6k

split: 2:16.2
final: 27:15.2

decent.

oh and good luck red. youre gonna need it because im going to tear you to fucking shreads.

and i really wish you were still here. i need you now. you would understand this shit. and if you were here i would be there tonight. and we wouldnt do anything. we would just talk. and you would tell me everythings going to be okay. i need you to tell me that. and i know if i text you you will. because youre an amazing person. but im afraid to.

uncle.

i feel bad for you. i know its hard. but i like, really looked up to you. you helped me with mark and mom and now youve gone and done it to yourself. but i guess its a disease and its not youre fault. i dont know. i guess im just a little disappointed. i dont know who to look up to i guess. i mean i have tommy and erica but theyre gonna be half way around the world soon. you were my favorite out of the aunts and uncles. and its like..oh. and i dont know how to react or act around you. and i hate that.

youre hands amaze me. ugh. this is so weird. and i want things to be the way they used to so bad. but part of me thinks they shouldnt be. its like i dont know what i want. i want you to pick one of us. not her and me. idk. i dont know what goes on behind closed doors, obviously. and i think its kinda gross for lack of a better word. youre just. special to me still i guess. i dont know. whatever. dont read too much into this. but its weird because you kind of surprise attacked me. its like i never realized how much i was hurt by you until this week. and it kinda makes me sadface.

i miss the strawberry toothpaste.

home sweet home never felt so wrong.

im trying to forget you. i really am. youre away, in college. with college girls and college problems. and we both know youre not strong enough to maintain a relationship long distance with all the pretty ladies. but its like i try to forget, and then i listen to a song and it reminds me of you and that night and the bubbles or the broom and the jokes and i laugh remembering everything until i begin to cry. and its weird because i still picture what my life would be like if you were in it. and like how scenarios would be. i miss you. and im thinking maybe if i picture the way i want things to be, they will actually be one day, just like it happened before.

children. they know how to make everything better. god i love those three boys so much. and theyre so good. i get now what they mean when they say there is nothing better than the love of a child. because seriously, i know they will love me no matter how i look or act or dress or how fucked up i am. they wont love me one day and hate me the next. they wont. theyll always want me or need me. and being with them just takes my mind off everything because im focusing on them and making them happy. ahha even if they call me jackie..close enough. please dont go to korea. im going to miss you so much. i wish you were mine.
i want to go back and be with the five of you. even if dad pisses me off and bugs the shit out of me and buys me expensive crap ill never use or wear. like a 300 dollar swimsuit. you guys make it all better. i love you so much.

hahaha.

and 3..2..1..i called it. you two broke up. woohoo. 2 weeks. coulda seen that one coming. good one. jackass.

but youre still very attractive.

babies are cute but for now i think ill borrow them.
yeah i do miss you kid. you made a dent in my life. but nothing we can do about it.
sadface :[


scrubsseasonnineisgonnasuckfuckthat.

a $300 swimsuit? ohh.
one baby bong please :]

i dislike you.

very much. so youre back with youre skankoid girlfriend huh? go fuck her up. fine by me. bitch. youre outa my life forfuckinever now. and im fuckin glad. id be angrier. but i know youre gonna fuckin break up cuz youre never gonna go home. maybe shell come visit you and stay in your dorm overnight and be all happy. whore.

father.

i sit in his office and look around. looks kinda the same. same 4th grade picture of me, no, 5th. and then one from like 2 years ago with me and him. then..theres like a gazillion pictures of tommy. and the kids. and jaxson and lincoln and aidan. and then theres tommys degrees and helicopter stuff and all that good stuff. and i hear my dad talking on the way home. and the stuff that comes out of his mouth..i just think..what a complete ass. hes a jerk. he doesnt care about anyone but fucking tommy and the fucking kids. im pretty sure he loves me because hes fucking supposed to. and i love them all. to death. the kids are like my own i love them so much and i love tommy soooo much. its just. ugh. dad. and i dont need to see you fucking parading around in your tshirt and fucking poker boxers that are way too tight. im a girl. a fucking teenage girl. a fucking teenage girl who is your daughter for gods sake. i know i dont always act like a teenager, and you mock me because i want to be independent. and you say that as long as my job doesnt bring my grades down because thats the most important thing ever. and you say youll buy me a car and shit. but i want to buy my own fucking car with my own money. i dont need daddy to buy me everything, hence, independence. i want a job. i want crew. i want to do well in school. but know, that doing all these things, i probably wont do as well in school as i would if i didnt have a job or do crew. but good grades arent the only thing that look good on a college application bud. idk. you just annoy me. and the way you talk about your wifes friends, like you know what is goddamn best for fucking everyone, well you dont. and you certainly dont know whats best for me. and no im not gonna fucking bug you about getting more piercings or the jeep while im fucking down here. trust me. you think you know me. you think you know what goes on in my life. you have no fucking clue. yes i know you love me. and yes, you show it through money, and ill admit i do love that credit card, but money isnt everything. mom is the exact opposite. i dont know how your wife now can stand you. you were SUCH a jackass on the car ride home from the restaurant. youre just so like ignorant and hold your head up high blah blah blah. save it. mom says she tells you about my school work and about my ap essays because 'youre my father, you deserve to know, if you lived with us you would know'. yeah. but guess what. you dont live with us. you dont wake up every morning and see me leave for school. you dont see my regattas. you dont see my up late at night working on projects. youre not mom. you dont stay up late and help me type essays. or proof them. you dont do anything a normal dad living at home does, so no, i dont think you always deserve to know when i mess up or how i do in school or whatever. yes. you send a $900 check every month in the mail to mom. i see it. they used to come with notes addressed to me. i guess that was when i was young. not anymore. i understand im your daughter. im not tommy. im not a boy. we dont have that 'father son connection'. but honestly i dont think you really care or wanted one with me. i was the 'second child'. you kinda had to have one with mom since ya had one with youre first wife, even the score. both marriages ended in divorce. woohoo. now, third wife. no kids with her. happily married i guess. idk how happy you guys really are since youre workaholics. i dont know if you know what happiness even means. but yeah. im pretty sure the whole kids thing is what fucked up the first two marriages. oh well. whatever. third times a charm i guess. and my stepmom is great. sometimes in a bad mood when you piss her off, but then again so am i and i just hide it. i see you play with jaxson and lincoln and stuff and how silly and fun you are with them. and i wonder if you were that way with me. i dont remember. whatever. im getting off your laptop now and goin to bed. 10:15. big whoop. but i do thank you for letting me come down here. i love seeing tommy and erica and the kids. i do.

ohh. youre new. but i like it.

ha.

i kinda just wanna kick back and blow shit up...and pretend that its your face.

but what if the dreams were reality and the reality was dreams?
youre the one that always is, but will never really be.

im shaking..again. my knees to my chest, my feet, which we predetermined were extremely filthy from my lack of flip flops, on the dashboard. i clutch my speakers and the waterbottle lays on my legs. eventually realizing how freezing cold the waterbottle is i put it on the floor hoping it will stop the shivering. but no. it doesnt. your words do. and the way we talk as if nothing is going to happen.

i cant get this image out of my mind..and the only thing i keep thinking is..did my feet leave footprints?

after the dust settles.

i dont hate you. i cant. you mean, meant, too much to me for me to hate you forever. i feel bad for you. i really do. youre a comedian. you crack jokes because you have to, but at the price of what? im not done with you. im not done feeling sad. and proved to myself last night that im not done crying. but its like it used to be, i dont think im crying so much because of what youve done, im crying for you. the sense of hopelessness and not knowing how youll be in the future scares me. knowing you wont be down the street most nights in the cage, or just in the area makes me feel less secure. youre still only a text away, but that seems so far when i get mostly two word answers, when in reality we can carry on a conversation for hours and the only thing that stops us is the whirling of the fans in the background. i miss you. i miss us. i miss that night. i want us to be friends, or not even, i want us to just talk. you to tell me everythings going to be okay. talking to you is like unscrewing my mind and pouring out everything that makes it hard to sleep at night. i want you to be happy. although im not sure that that will ever happen. i dont think you hurt me the second time on purpose. i think you were confused. and now, i think youre only 'with her' to make her happy for the last week youre here, and get some. i dont think its what you want, or else you a) wouldnt have broken up with her in the first place and b) youd be listed as in a relationship like she is. im beginning to think shes blind to your misery. and who can blame her, you hide it so well. im sure she knows, but i dont think she knows how bad or how serious it is. once it hits youre family, you begin to understand better. so it took us 8 months to be able to talk like friends again. do i have to wait that long again? because next summer is only 9 months away. but dont think im going to be like my friends and wait at your door. if it happens, it happens. i proved to myself before, that once i let go, anythings possible. i think im always going to have these feelings for you, whatever they are, forever. they may change, or be altered, or go away for a day, but they always come back to the same thing. youre like a virus. once youre in my system, youre in there forever, and ill always be immune to you. and i know i mean probably next to nothing to you. but thats okay. youre the one that got away, yet the one that always stays, and i can only hope that some day our paths will cross again. even if you do become [more of] a man whore and move to one of the carolinas with joey and be single for the rest of your life and never get married and have a different girl every night. and you say you never want to get married, but i think that you will. Because "every man you have ever dated who has said he doesnt want to get married, or has 'issues' with marriage, will...rest assured...someday be married. It just will never be with you"-he's just not that into you. and i believe that. but since we never dated does it still count? probably yes. but the thing is, when you told me youd never get married and that you were, haha sorry for crushing all my little girl dreams, i said the same thing back. that i never want to be married. and i think thats the truth. because i do get bored with people. you are the only person ive never been bored with or gotten sick of. and maybe thats because we didnt hang out enough. but even if we did, i just cant see myself getting sick of you. theres only two people that ive ever felt that way about. so yeah. there it is. again. i hope we see each other again and have a chance to catch up one day. hopefully. youre an amazing person. you truly are. your family, your friends, whoever you end up with, i just hope they know that. because if they dont, then theyre missing something.

and one last thing. as much as i dislike you and shouldnt be bothered or influenced by you, i am. very much so. in more ways than i feel like taking the time to list. but one thing i will say. youve left me feeling worthless.

finished.

wow. these last two weeks have definitely been an experience. but im done with him. im done with you. youre just. ugh. its almost like i dont hate you but i do. because i mean. idk. i wanna say its not all your fault. because i kind of knew what i was getting myself into. i knew you guys were still friends and i knew she still loved you and alot of people cheat. but i do know you dont love her. its like the scene in hes just not that into you when scarlett johansen is in the closet while the cheater has sex with his wife in his office, scarlett johansens total disgust with him when his wife leaves the office is unexplainable. thats kinda how i feel. its like yeah i was attracted to you, but you fucked me over so..yeah. im done. with you forever. up until last night i thought itd be fate kinda what happened, like then youd go off to college and like three or four or five years from now wed see each other again and pick up right where we left off. like the kind of movie that doesnt win an oscar because its been done and redone so many times before. but that isnt going to happen. because in lamens terms, i never want to see you again. i mean part of me does. but. im not going to. and that my friend, is okay. have just a super time in college..thats what i wanted to say. but i didnt want to be mean the last time we ever talked. and i know youre just getting back together with her so you can have sex with her a couple more times before you leave. i see right through you mark piciulo. and you. are dispicable. and if you wanna go fuck a 16 or 17 year old girl thats still in love with hannah montana, go for it. becuase thats. just hilarious.

for the record.

i know what im doing going into this. i know what the outcome might be. but i need to know. i need closure.

baby.

im okay. im going to be okay. im just. im done with you. it sounds egoish but i deserve better. you werent that great anyway. and as long as i think about the bad times and not the good ones, i can get past this. because you are a selfish bastard. and i deserve to be happy.
and you have a stupid name. and your little girlfriend makes it stupider by adding a Y.

Y.

AND WHO THE FUCK PUTS A 'Y' AT THE END OF MARK. MARKY? HES NOT FUCKING FIVE. GROW THE FUCK UP.

i dont know who i hate more.

at first it was going to be 'i hate you.' because i do. i hate you so much. i want you gone. forever. you said the other night that i probably still hated you, and i said no, i stopped about two months ago. well, your back on the shit list bud.
then it was going to be 'i hate her'. but if i dont even know her how can i hate her? i dont know but i do. shes a whore. shes a slut. i wish evil upon her.
but it ended up being 'i dont know who i hate more.' becuase honestly i dont. i hate you at about 100% right now. and i hate her about 120%. but i hate myself more than that combined. TWICE. i let myself fall. and honestly. im the only one to blame.
you made me cry. actually. no. youre making me cry. and cry. and cry. it was a good night. i had fun tonight. YOU FUCKING RUINED IT. YOU SELFISH BASTARD. I DONT THINK YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE. I HATE YOU AND EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING. GO TO HELL YOU FUCKING JACKASS.
after january and february, i tried to think of reasons to hate you. and now i have one. thank you.
i would say i have closure. but i am going to text you tomorrow night to see if we can talk. then i will have closure.
what was i anyway. YOU DONT FUCKING LOVE HER. or maybe i made you realize you do love her. and good for you. but whatever. because after that shit you pulled i dont think you deserve to be happy anymore.

obviously.

the thing is, everyone saw it coming. everyone knew it. it seems like you spend more time with him than you do your own boyfriend, and im pretty sure you do. i wanna say i tried to warn you, but i pretty much tried to stay out of it, because when i did that with schulwitz and hutchinson (omg i just realized her last name has my last name in it wow) bad things happened. idk. you guys figure it out. but this blog will probably change after i talk to you. so everything i wrote is based on what ive wittnessed.

because even if it breaks your heart to be just friends..if you really care about someone youll take the hit.

if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop and then you take it away. if you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you will have nothing to cry about.

i cant even begin to explain...

lets get this straight. i do not love him. i care about him. and im not crazy. im not on pills. im just writing down what i think, if half of my friends did this theirs would sound way more crazy than i do.
i dont even know where to start. like really. if i should just explain it from the beginning or just go with what im thinking right now. i think the latter, explaining it would take..hours.
so. ahaha. i promised myself. i drew up a fake scenario and then texted what i would reply if that fake scenario ever actually happened. why must i always go against my better judgement, its like i recognize the good choice, then deliberately go with the bad one..but the bad one just feels so good. and if anyone is reading this..dont judge. just dont. because honestly. i challenge anyone who has ever had a moment where they think they have been truly happy, step in my shoes for that night..and trust me, you will be sad you did because you will realize that that happiness only happens once in a life time, if that, and its almost impossible to achieve.
its like once you stop caring everything works out for the better. 4 months. 4 months of care and sadness and analyzing and scrutenizing every minute we were together. and nothing. nothing happened. 3 months of not caring and being completely over everything that ever happened and haha..everything i ever wanted happens. no joke..i must have pictured that night at least 20 times way back when..and then a couple times before it happened..and then it did. and it was like a dream..and then i saw the tire tracks the next morning..haha.
i thought id be able to let go easier this time..but the truth is, no. not until youre gone to college. then i will be able to, i promise. because i wont be able to see you and that will force me to be over it.
AND THEN. your little ex girlfriend HA. HAHAHA. HA. uhh..hahahaaa. and i was jealous. so jealous when i first saw her write on your wall. but, then i was like, he doesnt really love her, because if he did, he wouldnt have broken up with her then gotten [cheated] with me. i think i actually turned out on top/made out better than she did. and the fact that i could rip her apart physically and mentally just makes it all that much better.
okay i admit facebook helped me with this next section: the fact is, the person i used to be really close to, the person i miss, the person who makes me or made me smile of my worst days, the person who makes me laugh uncontrollably, the person who changed my life, the person i more than once had a crush on, the funniest person i know, the person who actually cares about me and not getting in my pants, the person who hurt me once and feels bad about it, the person i can talk to anything about and did, the person i care most about in this world, the person i realized i can live, but dont want to live without..is leaving in two weeks for college. what am i supposed to do when all of these people are gone?
he said he wont because he thinks id regret it..yet i know i wouldnt because the one thing he doesnt know is that ive wanted it with him from the start.
i do not regret it. i got my fairy land tale night. it was perfect. and im telling you..whoever is reading this with no life..that it hurts more than i ever thought it would..but i wouldnt trade it for the world.
and anyone, i mean anyone, who tries to take this away from me, or talk me out of how good it was, or how happy i was, or tries to ruin this, i will lose all respect for you. any of you. even if were that close. so dont even try, because i wont listen.
have you ever been extremely happy, but extremely sad at the same time? because i admit, i am sad. but im sad because i know i will never be that happy again.

no.

i need no protecting, if i do ill let you know. if i cant handle it i wont, but im not going to give up without a fight. if i get the chance i will prove you wrong. so very very wrong. im not a weak person. no task is too big to try, and not just for this situation but for any. ive been warned.
i dont give up but im getting bored. if ya wanna get with me better make it fast. [gotta love spicceee girls]
GAHH. BABY???!!! not mine. but seriously that would make next year RULE. its like i dont want it to happen but i kinda do..hehe. that would be HILARIOUS. i get to pick the middle name.
sunday! yayyayayaya. time to be an astronaut.

korea..

KOREA? KOREA?? REALLY? thats alot fucking farther than alaska. dads like 'ehh its like the same'. i just looked at a map and NO IT IS NOT. there is like a whole continent and an ocean between us and KOREA. YEAH. thats where the army wants to send tommy. KOREA. my familys gonna turn asain. oh well. koreans are pretty.

yay day :]

hehe..i think youre cute. god fucking damn it just ask next time. the answer is yes..always yes.
the child gave me a compliment! A COMPLIMENT! i dont think you really understand how hard those are to come by from that one. even though it was indirect, it was just as good. its on record now.

hi my name is alexis and if i dont know you and youre not hotter than a 5 or you are currently with one of my ex's chances are i do not like you.

ughh why must he be so cute? its like hes a...god. haha zoe.
and ive decided that im not jealous anymore, or try my best not to be. because after all, i dont think theres anything really to be jealous of. petty things arent worth the time spent.
k0re4 hasnt hung out in a while. not okay.
blaaah. tired.

i know, but i dont.

i picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong.
and i try to understand, how you still love her
after she made you so sad.
and it makes me want to cry sometimes,
thinking about all her lies.
and theres something maybe i cant see
an aspect of her mystery.
may satans love be with you always...
1/26 chance.

uhh very excited. 23 days until my life becomes much easier.
bajingo sisters! god he is such a douche but his body is sooo nice. god that was the best realization of the whole weekend.
im starting to think we think too much about the past. because even though it could help us with the future, im not convinced its healthy whatever that means. why is it people have such a hard time letting go, even me. its like i want the past to be the past but somehow thinking about the past makes it the present, which sucks like no other.
ohdangletsbang :P hahahha.letsfixthat.

its like when i'm with you i'm free.

stay out of it, both of you. its neither of you and thats all you should care about.

and fail. its not either of the two people who 95% of you think it is right now.

then whose are they?

eww. i just ate a ripped off piece of paper so i wouldnt have to get up and throw it out. waste not want not i guess.
its like my emotions arent mine anymore. i want to control them. i want to grab them by the neck and throw them out of a speeding car. why the fuck cant i control them. im so confused. i hate this. i love this. everything is perfect but everything seems so wrong. i want not to be the jealous type. what is wrong with me i have nothing to be jealous of. hes not my type i know too much. ive said that before, over and over and over. im not going to let myself have those feelings for someone- for anyone that is. i am always the one that sets myself up for disaster and ends up getting hurt. why when things get good does this always happen. not this time tho, not this time, i promise.

i dont know..this all seems kinda weird. like too good to be true. lets not fuck it up i guess, i dont know what id do. its kinda scary being this close to people and not being able to imagine what life would be like if they went away. then again i guess too close is a good thing..i think.
pray for A. one step closer.
and yes. i guess i called you slick.
k0re4..tighter than the jonas brothers pants.

too many thoughts..

god where do i start. today was..today. it was an interesting one. and who the hell invited you to talk to us and then comment on shit you no nothing about whatsoever? just wondering. you hear it through the grapevine from random ass people AND you only hear one side of it.yeah. colin was right. youre a little bit of a dick so go the fuck away. thank you happy helper, youre no help at all.
and please, girl, if you think IM am angry with you, why dont you try, oh idk, say, talking to ME about it? dont go ask her if im angry, shes not going to tell you. silly. and im not only pissed that you talk to him JUST because i mention him, im pissed that you like, completely ditch us. so yeah, thats right, we started ignoring you too. get it? got it? good. and i am pretty sure she said that walk meant nothing, so good luck if you think you two are bffs again :] OH and let me mention that i dont like him anymore? sorry. he's too not normal. im not ready for that..yet.
and who are you? idk who you are. youre not simple thats for sure..maybe more on that later. but not now. OH. and normal? what the fuck is normal anyway? can someone look it up? thanks..because i dont think youre it. and in that book thats a compliment, but dont take it too far slick. oh, and i dont want my relationship to be my work. all work and no play is no fun. but if work to me IS fun, does it still count, isnt it all about what interests you?
and no. she doesnt like him. look at the first paragraph. he was being a TOTAL dickhead today. total total total. i used to feel bad for him. not anymore. go you. youre the man.
KHore4?
Kore4?
who knows?
ps. grouned for a week. first time in a long time. woohooo!
6days. but really only 4 cuz we go to saratoga friday. yay! but YOURE not gonna be there. bitch. who the hell am i supposed to sit with? feckk. i bet i know who SHE is sitting with? actually i dont, the possibilities are endless. but i bet i know who she ISNT sitting with.

screw it.

yeah..so i kinda just stopped caring.
its not like i control you. i control what i do. not you.
and i give up.
he was right all along. you threw his heart through a woodchopper. you put it in your mouth, chewed it up, spit it out, and threw it into a woodchopper. and i thought he was angry. he was not only angry, he was right about you and i was too naive to see it. you really just dont care about us. i thought you did. and the part that sucks the most is that i fell for it..twice.
stupid blonde. stupid.

one and a half weeks :] i mishh youu!
kore4.

uhhh...

okay, really? can you be more antisocial? now youre being just bitchy. like seriously, who does she think she is? shes NEW. you dont just be someone's friend when its convienient, and dont just ignore people randomly.

and no, i dont think shell go back to him, he doesnt treat her right. it wouldnt be fair to her, him, or you. did you see the way she hugged you when you first arrived? she was so excited. she loves you, not him. but that doesnt mean she cant care about him as a friend. dont expect miracles.

what the hell..?

i say his name and speak like MAYBE just MAYBE i might have a slight interest in him. then..oh wait! there she goes talking to him JUST BECAUSE I FUCKING MENTION HIM. wow. thats an absolutely fantastic system. youre oh so cool. feck me sideways backwards and upside down. this sucks.

two things..

thing number one:
if this blows my chances at the A boat i swear to god i will shoot someones head 10 feet off their body. ive worked my ass off to get here and no one will take it away from me. enough said.

thing number two:
no i dont think he likes you like that. not anymore at least. he treats me the same, or at one point he did, or still does, no difference. i think it was a stage he is now over. i think it was a phase he went through to block out the present, or past that is. just friends now is all everyone wants. he likes us all as friends, well i think he likes one of us a little more than friends, but thats the gay part of him.

number three..(oops i went over):
that was a fucking low blow. read this shit, i said i was over that. it was nothing. the past is exactly that- past.

FECK.

today is one of those days where knowing sign language would have come in pretty goddamn handy. okay so you know when something so crazy and disrupting happens and its just like 'uhh what the fuck just happened?' yeah. but i guess this was one of those things that just happen for a reason, ya know. it was like BAM. there he was. then the 10 minute ride home FECK FECK FECK. and i know i can tell myself i dont still care about him, its not true. i do. and i probably always will. goddamn buffalo, i wish it wasnt a place. but, as much as i do still care a little bit, today i picture myself in the shotgun seat instead of her, and i see him driving next to me. I see myself and i see that i am okay, but not ecstatically happy, the way a relationship should make you feel. he was fun. and he too seems happy with her, which means me+him=not so happy. and he seems alot happier than he was when i was around. the wave/smile..haha. maybe it was because i was alone, or maybe he is truly making improvements, which we be awesome. and at the end of whatever it was we had i guess, he treated me a little like shit. so. im okay. im good. i can move on. i deserve better [hopefully]. but either way the new girl is fecking frumpy, haha not gonna lie. im not saying im pretty im just saying, dear god i hope im not like that... but yeah. at peace. so the half hour of freaking out was worth it. and not to say i wont jump a little when i see him, or his name, or his motorcycle, but, now, i can honestly say that i dont think we belong together, it would not be a good idea or in the best interest of either of us. so i promise myself i will no longer talk about him and what once was or what happened today, because if i am truly over it, then it really isnt worth mentioning or talking about or freaking out about, right? and i no longer have a problem with buffalo. and zoe we need to learn sign language.

...sign language.

One of the most annoying things ever? Like, someone being totally cool when youre together, then being a total bitch when you see them at random times. And another thing, people who think theyre THE SHIT when in reality theyre just shitty. haha its entertaining tho.
still getting used to this whole thing but whatever. adding sign language to things i want to do before i die. awesome, maybe zoe and i can take a class over the summer. then we can have secret conversations at crew about other people. thatd be kinda kickass. except jamie would know what we were saying..oh well. shes cool i guess. so yeah. sign language. along with about a million other things.

New Blog Much?

yeah...