youd get hypothermia.

oh young one. you act so old yet you are so out of place. you drag this poor girl around like you want her then you dont..because youre desperate. does she know what we did? what are you doing to this poor child? i am so incredibly happy you are out of my life, you have no idea. it just makes me laugh thinking you are going back to her. its just..its so funny. again? really? haha. wow. maybe youre just talking to be nice..but we both know that is never your true intention. only you would do this. honestly. you disgust me. and this time, im not changing my mind. seriously. if you were to text me right now, i would act so cold...

i feel like im set. i feel like im secure. yet i still feel completely lost.

i saw you there.

and you said
and you said
welcome with your eyes.

theres just too much on my mind.

i just get so easily annoyed by you.

do not throw age into this because half the time i act older than you so just cool it. and you think everyones okay with you? and that im blowing stuff out of proportion? im not the one who referred to you as the crazy ex girlfriend. and no. i dont want to hang out with you and her together. i just dont care enough to do it. and the only reason i brought it up the other day is because you mention that i was hanging out with her and melissa. so do not turn this into a 'poor zoe' situation. i see your side of things. i just think you should sometimes think before you speak. and im not mad at you. im frustrated that you acted so childish after youve told me how many times you hate it when other people act that way.
and i quote...
"because idk she just bothers me I just don't like her I'm entitled to it and colin's pathetic about it. he can be happy in other ways "
if thats not childish i dont know what is.
and again. im not mad at you. its just the way youre acting lately is not you. and its a complete turnoff.
and i dont constantly defend you..obviously.

relapse #3.

i feel like i cant depend on anyone anymore.
i cant deal with this. i just cant.

in the center of a ring just like a circus.

because i have realized by now that that is what my family is- a circus. actually. no. that is what my life is. people are going fucking crazy. seriously. shit wont stop hitting the fan. again. and again. and again. and im pretty sure im beginning to get stressed. like super stressed. and my mom thinks i should start therapy. and my fucking other uncle who doesnt give a flying fuck about our family and what happens to his brother and UGH. all because of his FUCKING FIANCE. where is he every weekend? with her family like an hour away. where should he be? WITH US. helping his brother with the fucking alcoholism. BEING SUPPORTIVE. being THERE for him. NOT TWO HOURS AWAY WITH THIS CHICK HES KNOWN LIKE LESS THAN A YEAR. grow the fuck up. be there for the fucking sibling that needs you.
and dear god grey eyed. you need to grow up too. thats all. you just make it so hard to stick up for you. and do you hear yourself when you speak?
and you emo. i wanna hang out with you in the worst way because i think thats what you need. to take your mind off shit. i get it.
some people say im a little odd. a little? try extremely. look at my family. look at what they do. look at what i do. look at the type of people i like. look at who i try to hang out with. look at the type of people who like me.
saturday is either gonna be really fun or really stressful. im leaning towards fun.

control freak.

i honestly am beginning to think youve fallen off the deep end. seriously. what the fuck has gotten into you? you ask him to leave you alone. you ask him to stop nagging you and loving you and telling you he loves you every five fucking seconds. so what? now he has. you should be thrilled. get a fucking life. seriously. you do not control him. and i dont care if your in therapy. its not that special. really. alot of people are. im pretty sure my whole family should be at this point. but nonetheless i dont care who youre bitchy to or who the fuck you want to be your bobble head and want to shake to death. your acting insane. let him go. let him live his life. let him be happy, or die trying, and just stay the fuck out. because you are no help here. obviously. dont get involved just because you think youre queenie and can really fuck things up if you wish. and she is nothing like alena. at all. but then again you wouldnt know, youve never met her. not once. she is the polar opposite of alena. seriously. sweetest girl youll ever meet. youre the one acting like what you blame alena for being. a control freak. that is what you are zoe alexandra christopher. and i know were supposed to be best friends. and i love you to an extent, but its getting extremely hard to stand up for you. you have crossed the line and youre in unwanted territory.

make it stop.

you admitted it yourself- youre an asshole. and i do not want to like an asshole. end of story.

1) i hate not being there. hate it. its like im there, but im not.

2) umm yeah. it was fun.

3) and yes. im a little weird.

"life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
-charlie chaplin

wake up wake up.

i shouldnt care and i dont. i have no feelings for you whatsoever. i could care less if i ever see you again. and im not going to go out of my way to. its gone. and im fine with that i guess. i wish i had had more feeling for you. but i dont. your just there. blah. i actually find it hard to believe i ever cared so much for you, one person.
i feel vindicated. like a hundred pound weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. i'll be up up and away up up and away cuz in the end they'll judge me anyway, so whatever.
its a good feeling i think. its a little weird. but i like it. i like it alot.

here goes nothing.
no. here goes everything.
but not really.

orders of business.

okay. please dont be mad at me for my honesty. you want the truth, i give it. you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, go find some lying bastard. really. be my guest. but dont come to me thinking ill say shell get back with you she loves you too shes miserable without you she wants to be more than friends. because she wont, she doesnt, she isnt, and she doesnt. im sorry. i love you so much and i hate to see you get hurt over and over, just like you said you hate to see me get hurt. and i know this kills you inside and out. but like i said, if you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, im not that person.

and i dont know what it is. i look in the mirror and i see a different future. the dress the pictures the ring the vows, maybe it all makes sense. maybe people arent so crazy. maybe i need that one person that i know will always be there no matter what..but whats the fun in that.

she doesnt care. and chances are shes not gonna. shes in love with him. thats what she says. and i believe her. and i think she should do whateverthefuck she wants. its weird. they just mesh this certain way. end of story.

i dont even know what im doing here anymore.

i get more nervous with each passing hour.

i shouldnt be talking about being bipolar. i change my mind just as much as you change yours. i just dont let you know it. this is all a little too real. lets stop talking about it and just do it. it scares me to talk. i dont like to text about it. your texts scare me and kinda weird me out. and a picture? REALLY. i think not. haha no no no no way. and i think its comforting knowing i could change my mind at any moment i feel uncomfortable and just say no. but would i?
im telling you. i want things i cant have. and the moment i get them i stop wanting them.

i want you now more than ever and as i say that my dream dies.

the point sometimes.

see. this is why i cant get my hopes up for you. because im crazy. because i fear youll dump my little ass for the first pretty college girl that talks to you. not that theres even anything to dump because its not like were together. ha. see where my imagination takes me? all because of you. and i cant get excited or happy or hopeful because i know theres a very good chance youll bail out at the last second. its just you. your nature i guess. or maybe its not. not like i should know. i just im afraid to be happy about it because whenever im happy about things, they never go my way. why is it that i only get what i want when i stop wanting it? i swear to god you do this to me again and your out. off the field. third strike. even if it just ends up being that your not coming home. one. two. three strikes. and your out. youve been warned. not like you care.

jesus christ.

dear god just shut up mom. you cannot pick my friends. you cannot choose. you do not know what half of my life is like. i have friends. lots of friends. so just shut the fuck up and get some of your own. do not tell me im a little odd. do not tell me i am weird. just be happy that im happy and shut the fuck up.

chem.

i started thinking about you in chem today. and i felt good about you. contrary to english. im still unsure. but feeling better.

umm.

let me tell you that i recognize this is a bad decision and take complete fault for whatever actions i make. i dont know how i feel right now. i feel like i am your last resort. like there were no girls at college that wanted you. but either way its not long term. definitely not long term so whatever. cant hurt to try it i guess. and now im talking to this other kid and hes funny and stuff. and ugh idk. i think ill feel better once i see you. but sometimes you just weird me out/kinda scare me with the way you talk when were not in person. i was shaking for a good 20 minutes when i was talking to you. you just do that to me. idk. i think it will be fun tho. haha lots of fun i hope.
and the other thing is, the other kid started talking to me cuz he was concerned about me. i told you what happened and you kinda blew it off, like ohh well. ugh. oh well.

i really just want a jess. im thinking i should maybe just forget you. yes actually. i think forgetting you might be a very good idea indeed. i want someone who cares about me.

ugh i love you girls so much and i miss you and i dont care what they say im visiting tomorrow.

map.

your sending me mixed signals and its driving me insane.
i ugh. i really like you. but im not going to wait. but i cant picture myself with anyone besides you. and its like idk. i feel like you go for what you cant have. but idk i could be reading too much into things like always. but. whenever i think of my life or something i might wear or buy i picture you standing there too. and its weird. but its just the way my mind works i guess. and i dont mind it. i actually like it. but in a sense, it probably gives me false hope...not that ive come to expect anything from you. the only thing ive come to expect is the unexpected. your completely bipolar. katy perry defines you. but it keeps me on my toes. and though it does drive me crazy and makes me nervous and sometimes sad, i dont think id be happy any other way. and i care what happens. but i dont expect anything to.

I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard, Making its coat of our sorrows.

i miss crew and i wanna go back and i wanna be back in the A boat and i wanna go to school tomorrow and it's just not fair. And i want people to stop being bitchy especially people in my family because it seems like everyone took and extra large bitch pill tonight especially grammy. just shut the fuck up and do NOT compare me to a fucking hippo. and i miss you. ugh i miss you so much and i wish you were here and i wish youd come home for a weekend and we could just have you and me day and i could cheer you up. and i just miss my old life. life a month ago. life 10 months ago when we talked and talked and matt and alena were still together and matt and me were still good friends and just.. either one. its just gone. and i want it back.

i continue to break the rules. over. and over. and over again.

im telling you not caring is liquid gold.
now excuse me while i go throw up. im shaking.

map.

okay. you just make my life to damn confusing. or your family does at least. they still talk to her? this is just idk weird and almost stressful and ugh its just too much. not that i care or should care, but i do. but just fuck it..maybe. for now.

i cant even go down one step without hurting. this sucks major.

oh.

speak of the devil and rest assured, he will come.

life as i know it is no more.

AND YOUNG SIR THAT SCARILY RESEMBLES SHAGGY:
STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR LIFE. trust me. others are in MUCH worse positions than you. and frankly, people have stopped caring. ugh. im sorry. i love you dude but this is just too much. and especially dont complain THIS person who is in a worse position than you. THANKS A BUNCHES.

no crew.no work.have to wear a backbrace.
tell me.could life get any better? fuck dis shit.

i dont understand how my life can not only be turned upside down, but also shaken very hard in only a matter of two days.

crew.

and the one thing i love, ripped from my hands.

and now i pretty much just got fired. THIS DAY IS JUST SHOWERED WITH DELIGHT. IT HONESTLY COULD NOT GET ANY FUCKING BETTER.
i want trix. theyre for kids. and i want to be a kid again.

a 15 year old trapped in an 80 year olds body.

this fucking blows. FUCKING BLOWS. and to top it off jamie tells me i was in the A boat next practice. can you say FUCK MY LIFE? i was SO FUCKING CLOSE.
AND THEN on the way to the chiropractor, mother tells me to PRAY about my situation. LIKE I BELIEVE IN GOD AFTER THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN THIS WORLD. TELL THE STARVING ORPHANS IN AFRICA TO FUCKING PRAY. SEE WHAT THE FUCK THEY SAY. OR TELL THOSE WHO HAVE LOST LOVED ONES IN THE WAR. i dare you. im not gonna waste my time praying for something that the so called god will obviously never give me.
and child, stop complaining about your problems. stop holding on to her. youve lost her. and you continue to push her away by trying to bring her close. give it up. give her space. and you might feel like death, but at least you can do something about it.
and then seeing him today when i was in the launch and jamie asking if his best friend had left yet, i wanted to answer so bad. just the mention of your name, and to be reminded you are no longer here, it made everything 10 times worse.

and im out.
ouch.

i probably deserve better in some ways. but i think of your face and the bubbles in the sink and your expression and its like...
i miss you. alot.

6k

split: 2:16.2
final: 27:15.2

decent.