and then the lightbulb went off.
i am not being conceited.
i am pretty.
i am smart.
i have friends.
i will be successful.
i will not be a drop out.
i will go to an extremely good college.
i am not one of them.
and never will be.
i dont need them. all i want is the ritalin to lose weight. thats it. im not trying more drugs with you guys. im not going on a trip for 4 days straight and not sleeping. im not going to be a failure. my life wont suck. i am not going to be a trashy drug addict.
yes i will still experiment.
but most likely under the supervision of my two brothers. and no, theyre not black.
theres this guy who thinks im one of the hottest things ever. probably cuz of my boobs. hes obsessed. he also is going to college next year. he will be successful. i can hang out with him and not be totally trashed. hes not edge. hes not an addict either. hes in the middle. hes normal. and yeah that might seem boring. but i could list about 20 girls that would be jealous of me. lexie and meaghan-they stalked him and acted like complete bimboey freaks around him. i was just myself. and it was okay.
and then theres this other kid. a high school dropout who im married to. who has no future. i cant be with someone who has no future. you said it yourself, youre to lazy to do anything but drugs. you want to stop, but its hard, well IT is not hard actually because youre on a fucking 4 day trip. i am not gonna be the trashy ass skank who gets fucked up then fucks. well. yeah. idk. idts at least.
i miss fridays when they were our days. i miss going around in the summer smoking weed in a phoneline feild. yeah i liked hanging out with the stoners for a bit, but im stopping. this is it. yeah ill go to them maybe once in a while or hang once in awhile. but it is not a regular thing. i have too bright of a future to fuck it up like all you guys are. sorry, but its the truth.
i dont know what brought these thoughts on. but i look back over the last three weeks or so and yeah i mean it was fun but at the same time its absolutely disgusting. i think a part of me will miss it, but i will be glad to be back with my friends again. my friends. the ones i know will be there when i need them and take two steps closer when i ask them to back off. the ones i can count on. the ones who wont be fiending. the ones i dont have to hide my lighters and money from. the ones i love. the ones i want to tell i am sorry ive been blind these last few weeks. im back. its me. and im not going down that path..
oh. and ill still smoke ciggs.
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