lets get this straight. i do not love him. i care about him. and im not crazy. im not on pills. im just writing down what i think, if half of my friends did this theirs would sound way more crazy than i do.
i dont even know where to start. like really. if i should just explain it from the beginning or just go with what im thinking right now. i think the latter, explaining it would take..hours.
so. ahaha. i promised myself. i drew up a fake scenario and then texted what i would reply if that fake scenario ever actually happened. why must i always go against my better judgement, its like i recognize the good choice, then deliberately go with the bad one..but the bad one just feels so good. and if anyone is reading this..dont judge. just dont. because honestly. i challenge anyone who has ever had a moment where they think they have been truly happy, step in my shoes for that night..and trust me, you will be sad you did because you will realize that that happiness only happens once in a life time, if that, and its almost impossible to achieve.
its like once you stop caring everything works out for the better. 4 months. 4 months of care and sadness and analyzing and scrutenizing every minute we were together. and nothing. nothing happened. 3 months of not caring and being completely over everything that ever happened and haha..everything i ever wanted happens. no joke..i must have pictured that night at least 20 times way back when..and then a couple times before it happened..and then it did. and it was like a dream..and then i saw the tire tracks the next morning..haha.
i thought id be able to let go easier this time..but the truth is, no. not until youre gone to college. then i will be able to, i promise. because i wont be able to see you and that will force me to be over it.
AND THEN. your little ex girlfriend HA. HAHAHA. HA. uhh..hahahaaa. and i was jealous. so jealous when i first saw her write on your wall. but, then i was like, he doesnt really love her, because if he did, he wouldnt have broken up with her then gotten [cheated] with me. i think i actually turned out on top/made out better than she did. and the fact that i could rip her apart physically and mentally just makes it all that much better.
okay i admit facebook helped me with this next section: the fact is, the person i used to be really close to, the person i miss, the person who makes me or made me smile of my worst days, the person who makes me laugh uncontrollably, the person who changed my life, the person i more than once had a crush on, the funniest person i know, the person who actually cares about me and not getting in my pants, the person who hurt me once and feels bad about it, the person i can talk to anything about and did, the person i care most about in this world, the person i realized i can live, but dont want to live without..is leaving in two weeks for college. what am i supposed to do when all of these people are gone?
he said he wont because he thinks id regret it..yet i know i wouldnt because the one thing he doesnt know is that ive wanted it with him from the start.
i do not regret it. i got my fairy land tale night. it was perfect. and im telling you..whoever is reading this with no life..that it hurts more than i ever thought it would..but i wouldnt trade it for the world.
and anyone, i mean anyone, who tries to take this away from me, or talk me out of how good it was, or how happy i was, or tries to ruin this, i will lose all respect for you. any of you. even if were that close. so dont even try, because i wont listen.
have you ever been extremely happy, but extremely sad at the same time? because i admit, i am sad. but im sad because i know i will never be that happy again.
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