after the dust settles.

i dont hate you. i cant. you mean, meant, too much to me for me to hate you forever. i feel bad for you. i really do. youre a comedian. you crack jokes because you have to, but at the price of what? im not done with you. im not done feeling sad. and proved to myself last night that im not done crying. but its like it used to be, i dont think im crying so much because of what youve done, im crying for you. the sense of hopelessness and not knowing how youll be in the future scares me. knowing you wont be down the street most nights in the cage, or just in the area makes me feel less secure. youre still only a text away, but that seems so far when i get mostly two word answers, when in reality we can carry on a conversation for hours and the only thing that stops us is the whirling of the fans in the background. i miss you. i miss us. i miss that night. i want us to be friends, or not even, i want us to just talk. you to tell me everythings going to be okay. talking to you is like unscrewing my mind and pouring out everything that makes it hard to sleep at night. i want you to be happy. although im not sure that that will ever happen. i dont think you hurt me the second time on purpose. i think you were confused. and now, i think youre only 'with her' to make her happy for the last week youre here, and get some. i dont think its what you want, or else you a) wouldnt have broken up with her in the first place and b) youd be listed as in a relationship like she is. im beginning to think shes blind to your misery. and who can blame her, you hide it so well. im sure she knows, but i dont think she knows how bad or how serious it is. once it hits youre family, you begin to understand better. so it took us 8 months to be able to talk like friends again. do i have to wait that long again? because next summer is only 9 months away. but dont think im going to be like my friends and wait at your door. if it happens, it happens. i proved to myself before, that once i let go, anythings possible. i think im always going to have these feelings for you, whatever they are, forever. they may change, or be altered, or go away for a day, but they always come back to the same thing. youre like a virus. once youre in my system, youre in there forever, and ill always be immune to you. and i know i mean probably next to nothing to you. but thats okay. youre the one that got away, yet the one that always stays, and i can only hope that some day our paths will cross again. even if you do become [more of] a man whore and move to one of the carolinas with joey and be single for the rest of your life and never get married and have a different girl every night. and you say you never want to get married, but i think that you will. Because "every man you have ever dated who has said he doesnt want to get married, or has 'issues' with marriage, will...rest assured...someday be married. It just will never be with you"-he's just not that into you. and i believe that. but since we never dated does it still count? probably yes. but the thing is, when you told me youd never get married and that you were, haha sorry for crushing all my little girl dreams, i said the same thing back. that i never want to be married. and i think thats the truth. because i do get bored with people. you are the only person ive never been bored with or gotten sick of. and maybe thats because we didnt hang out enough. but even if we did, i just cant see myself getting sick of you. theres only two people that ive ever felt that way about. so yeah. there it is. again. i hope we see each other again and have a chance to catch up one day. hopefully. youre an amazing person. you truly are. your family, your friends, whoever you end up with, i just hope they know that. because if they dont, then theyre missing something.